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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology like computers, smart phones and video games for fun and entertainment while playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for v.849

Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology like computers, smart phones and video games for fun and entertainment while playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for v. 849
An increasing number of children have their own smart phones and personal computers nowadays. Those electronic devices occupied their most entertaining time, which could have been spent on toys or with their friends instead. A part of parents hold a view that traditional entertainments are better for their children. I disagree with them. Electronic devices has incomparable advantages in all facets of our lives, including entertainment, with the advent of information age. Admittedly, electronic devices are not as good as traditional entertainments in some aspects. Long-time sitting in front of screen causes short sight, headache and lower back pain. Lack of physical exercise leads to muscle weakness. Electromagnetic radiation also impacts health negatively. Most of my friends wears quite thick glasses due to using too much computers. However, I encourage children to choose electronic devices as their entertaining method, if some unprecedented advantages of them are taken into consideration. Foremost, we are living in the information age, by which I mean we use electronic devices all the time. They are just like water and air for us. We are not able to live on without computers and smart phones in a modern society. Entertainment is the main method for children to learn to use those devices. Through playing games, listening to music and watching plays, they learn to use mouse, keyboard and touchpad, and learn to surf the internet, and learn to use Twitter and Facebook. If parents kept them away from this kind of entertainment, they would lose the skill of using electronic devices, which is apparently harmful for their future life. Moreover, electronic entertainments make children more social. Some parents think traditional entertainments, such as playing outside, as ideal way to make friends, while electronic entertainments turn children into more withdrawn ones. I disagree with them totally. Playing electronic games and surfing the internet have already been the most important method for children to have fun. Any child who doesn' t participate in those activities can' t fit into his/her peer group, which causes his/her isolation instead. In addition, internet enlarges children’s social circle. I make acquaintance with game players from all over the world through playing online games, while I only can make friends with my neighbors by playing outdoors. To sum up, I think of electronic entertainments as a better choice than traditional ones for children, although they are not perfect.
An increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
smart phones and personal computers nowadays. Those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
occupied their most entertaining time, which could have
been spent
on toys or with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
instead
. A part of parents hold a view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
entertainments are better for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. I disagree with them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
has incomparable advantages in all facets of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, including entertainment, with the advent of information age.

Admittedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
are not as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
entertainments in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
aspects. Long-time sitting in front of screen causes short sight, headache and lower back pain. Lack of physical exercise leads to muscle weakness. Electromagnetic radiation
also
impacts health
negatively
. Most of my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
wears quite thick glasses due to using too
Use "many" with countable nouns.
much
computers.

However
, I encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
as their entertaining method, if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
unprecedented advantages of them
are taken
into consideration.

Foremost, we are living in the information age, by which I mean we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
all the time. They are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like water and air for us. We are not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
on without computers and smart phones in a modern society. Entertainment is the main method for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
. Through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, listening to music and watching plays, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
mouse, keyboard and
Possible spelling mistake found.
touchpad
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to surf the internet, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
Twitter and Facebook. If parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
them away from this kind of entertainment, they would lose the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
of using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
, which is
apparently
harmful for their future life.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
entertainments
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more social.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
entertainments, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
outside, as ideal way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
entertainments turn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
into more withdrawn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
. I disagree with them
totally
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and surfing the internet have already been the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
method for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to have fun. Any child who
Possible spelling mistake found.
doesn&
#039; t participate in those activities
Possible spelling mistake found.
can&
#039; t fit into his/her peer group, which causes his/her isolation
instead
.
In addition
, internet enlarges
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
social circle. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
acquaintance with game players from all over the world through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, while I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
with my neighbors by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
outdoors.

To sum up, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
entertainments as a better choice than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, although they are not perfect.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
52Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays, children rely too much on the technology like computers, smart phones and video games for fun and entertainment while playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for v. 849

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
395 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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