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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Most business people are only motivated by the desire of money. v.840

Most business people are only motivated by the desire of money. v. 840
People attend to jobs and work in that jobs to earn money to use that money in their life to pay expenses, improve their life quality, also making a better life for their families. But there are some other motivators for human rather than money for working like the social position which that person gets, contributions which they could do to their society and etc. While the mandatory believe about business people is that their only goal is money, I believe these people also have some other motivators to do their job. The notion which is most of business people are only motivated by the desire of money relies of the aim of their jobs. The aim of business jobs is to earn more money as they can do. So this notion formed that the aim of them and motivator of them is money. If it is a true statement, Therefore, aim of a musician is only music, aim of a mine worker is just digging mines. We know this is not true for them, so same for business people. We couldn’t judge about their people desires with only considering their jobs conditions. In addition, there are a lot of people who involved in business jobs with a standard salary. Only a few people in the hierarchy pyramid of business jobs earn huge money. There are many other jobs with higher salaries to attend. If their only motivator is money, then why these people stay in business related jobs. My uncle who was a businessman for many years, and now retired, salary is less than my fathers who have worked for a medical company. But I know my uncle motivator the business is that he was so talented in that field. In addition, he loved his job which resulted to stay on that job for many years with a standard salary. In summary, while the main propose of working is earn money for all of the people, there are many other motivators rather than money which persuade people to do their jobs. In my opinion considering business people aim only money is a big mistake which driven from the aim of these people jobs. Therefore, these people like other people love their jobs and have many other motivators rather than money.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
attend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and work in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in their life to pay expenses,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their life quality,
also
making a better life for their families.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
motivators
for human
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for working like the social position which that person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
, contributions which they could do to their society
Write the name of the item after 'and' or use only "etc".
and etc
. While the mandatory believe about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
goal is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, I believe these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
also
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
motivators
to do their job.

The notion which is most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
motivated by the desire of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
The verb 'to rely' requires the preposition '(up)on': "relies on".
relies
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aim
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aim
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
is to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as they can do.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
this notion formed that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aim
of them and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
motivator
of them is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. If it is a true statement,
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aim
of a musician is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
music,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aim
of a mine worker is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
digging mines. We know this is not true for them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
same for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. We couldn’t judge about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
desires
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
considering their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
conditions.

In addition
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
with a standard salary.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Only
a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the hierarchy pyramid of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earn
huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
with higher salaries to attend. If their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
motivator
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, then why these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
stay in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. My uncle who was a businessman for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
retired, salary is less than my fathers who have worked for a medical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I know my uncle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
motivator
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
is that he was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
talented in that field.
In addition
, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
which resulted to stay on that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years with a standard salary.

In summary, while the main propose of working is
Consider using a past participle here: "earned".
earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for
Consider using "all the".
all of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
motivators
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which persuade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
my opinion considering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aim
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
mistake which driven from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aim
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
Therefore
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
motivators
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
82Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Most business people are only motivated by the desire of money. v. 840

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
381 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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