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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In the past young people depended on their parents for making decisions. Today, young people are better able to make decisions on their own. v.83

In the past young people depended on their parents for making decisions. Today, young people are better able to make decisions on their own. v. 83
At present, everyone desires to lead a healthy life. It has been observed that the number of obese people is increasing day by day, which is a matter of great concern to us. This essay will discuss the main causes and its effects in detail. One of the main reasons that people are gaining weight is their indifference towards own health. People are generally not concerned about their health and as a result, they eat whenever or whatever they want. In addition, nowadays junk foods are readily available and all ages of people love eating those foods. Although junk foods taste good, they are very harmful to human health and it also helps in gaining weight. Moreover, people rarely take physical exercise to keep their weight within limits. So, we can notice an increasingly number of overweight people around us everyday. If people become obese, then it affects their health. They are vulnerable to various kinds of heart diseases. A recent survey has shown that overweight people are more likely to be a victim of heart attack than an average person. Additionally, day to day work becomes very difficult for such a person, as he gets tired very easily. They cannot enjoy their life to full extent. It becomes difficult to take part in sports and other form of activities which requires some physical fitness. Sometimes, such a person becomes depressed and lose interest in their life. To summarize, obesity is a major problem nowadays and some of the main causes of this are the lack of sincerity, over eating and indifference towards physical exercise. As a result, people are suffering from various types of health related issues and in some extreme cases losing interest in their life.
At present, everyone desires to lead a healthy life. It has
been observed
that the number of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is increasing day by day, which is a matter of great concern to us. This essay will discuss the main causes and its effects in detail.

One of the main reasons that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are gaining weight is their indifference towards
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are
generally
not concerned about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and
as a result
, they eat whenever or whatever they want.
In addition
, nowadays junk foods are
readily
available and all ages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
eating those foods. Although junk foods taste
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
harmful to human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in gaining weight.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
rarely take physical exercise to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their weight within limits.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, we can notice an
You used an adverb ('increasingly') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('number') instead of another adjective.
increasingly number
of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around us
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
.

If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
obese, then it affects their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. They are vulnerable to various kinds of heart diseases. A recent survey has shown that overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more likely to be a victim of heart attack than an average person.
Additionally
, day to day work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
becomes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult for such a person, as he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
tired
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easily
. They cannot enjoy their life to full extent. It
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
becomes
difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in sports and other form of activities which requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
physical fitness.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, such a person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
becomes
depressed and lose interest in their life.

To summarize
, obesity is a major problem nowadays and
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
main causes of this are the lack of sincerity, over eating and indifference towards physical exercise.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are suffering from various types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
related issues and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extreme cases losing interest in their life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay In the past young people depended on their parents for making decisions. Today, young people are better able to make decisions on their own. v. 83

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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