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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Business should do any things they can to make a profit. v.816

Business should do any things they can to make a profit. v. 816
Upon the question should business do any things they can to make a profit, different people have different opinions based on their emotion, education, culture, etc. From my point of view, it is strongly condemned to do any things to make a profit. In the following paragraphs, I will try to explain my position more clearly. First of all, some companies would like to tell lie and give wrong information about their products to their customers. They have different reasons such as attracting more clients or obtaining more money. From my point of view, these activities have negative influences on customers because they will find out truth and trust between business and clients will be disappeared. For instance, last week, I purchased a new laptop computer for my children. The salesperson told me this computer is light and children can carry it without any difficulty. But according to my daughter, that computer was not light. So, I will go to other stores in future, if I want to buy a new computer. In the second place, some products like foods and drugs have direct effects on our health. So, if related companies decide to do any things to make a profit, our health will be endangered. For instance, in my country, some farmers prefer to use a chemical component which affect crop yield. But this component have minerals that are toxic to humans. So, if these small businesses want to use this kind of fertilizer in order to get more money, they will affect human health negatively. Last but not least, most companies get used to exaggerate about the quality of their products or services. In my opinion, they will lose their customers as soon as people realize truth. Taking all the aforementioned arguments into account, it can be concluded that businesses should not do any things to make money because it has negative consequences which I outlined above.
Upon the question should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
do any things they can to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a profit,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions based on their emotion, education, culture, etc. From my point of view, it is
strongly
condemned to do any things to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a profit. In the following paragraphs, I will try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my position more
clearly
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
would like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
lie and give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
information about their products to their customers. They have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
reasons such as attracting more clients or obtaining more money. From my point of view, these activities have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influences on customers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will find out truth and trust between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and clients will
be disappeared
.
For instance
, last week, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
a new laptop computer for my children. The salesperson
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
me this computer is light and children can carry it without any difficulty.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
according to my daughter, that computer was not light.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I will go to other stores
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
, if I want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a new computer.

In the second place,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
products like foods and drugs have direct effects on our health.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if related
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
decide to do any things to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a profit, our health will
be endangered
.
For instance
, in my country,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
farmers prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
a chemical component which
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
crop yield.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
The verb 'have' is plural. Did you mean: "this component has"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
this component have
minerals that are toxic to humans.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this kind of fertilizer in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more money, they will affect human health
negatively
.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to exaggerate about the quality of their products or services. In my opinion, they will lose their customers as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
realize truth.

Taking all the aforementioned arguments into account, it can
be concluded
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
should not do any things to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences which I outlined above.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Business should do any things they can to make a profit. v. 816

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
319 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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