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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Business should do any things they can to make a profit. v.355

Business should do any things they can to make a profit. v. 355
Involvement of the complete families (e. g. Aunts, uncles and grandparents) for the child's upbringing is better in some people aspect, relatively, only by their parents. This essay agrees that the child can be grow up in a much better way when raised by combine families. Firstly, this essay will discuss the learning of a child by experiences of different family members and secondly, it will discuss the love, care and the sense of sharing among the family. Children can learn a lot from their elders. For instance, from their grandparents, they can learn how to respect the older as well as about the different traditions, which have been passed over the time. They can also get help from their siblings in their studies. Different sports could be learned while playing with cousin, which leads them to be a part of extra-curricular activities. Other points to consider are that when kids play and live together, they will develop a sense of sharing among themselves. In addition to this, they will also get extra love and care from their uncles, aunts and grandparents, which are very beneficial for them in different aspects. For example, if parents had to travel out of the station due to some work, then in this case, care can be taken of the children by other family members. While one thing should always be under consideration, which is that the kids get proper time for studies because it is quite possible that their education can be effected if kids spend much time in playing. However, this could be controlled by keeping them in check. In conclusion, children's growth will be much better if they will live in a combined family system. As it will not only increase their learning capabilities, but also develop a sense of sharing. Furthermore, it will provide the children with extra love and protection, which they always need.
Involvement of the complete
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
(
There should be no space here: "e.g.".
e. g.
Aunts, uncles and grandparents) for the child's upbringing is better in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
aspect,
relatively
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by their parents. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
that the child can be
Consider using the past participle "grown"?
grow
up in a much better way when raised by combine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
Firstly
, this essay will discuss the learning of a child by experiences of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members and
secondly
, it will discuss the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, care and the sense of sharing among the family.

Children can learn a lot from their elders.
For instance
, from their grandparents, they can learn how to respect the older
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
well as about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
traditions, which have
been passed
over the time. They can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from their siblings in their studies.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Different
sports could
be learned
while playing with cousin, which leads them to be a part of extra-curricular activities.

Other points to consider are that when kids play and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
together, they will develop a sense of sharing among themselves.
In addition
to this, they will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
extra
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and care from their uncles, aunts and grandparents, which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial for them in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
aspects.
For example
, if parents had to travel out of the station due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
work, then
in this case
, care can
be taken
of the children by other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members. While one thing should always be under consideration, which is that the kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
proper time for studies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is quite possible that their education can
be effected
if kids spend much time in playing.
However
, this could
be controlled
by keeping them in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
.

In conclusion
, children's growth will be much better if they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a combined
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
system. As it will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
increase their learning capabilities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
develop a sense of sharing.
Furthermore
, it will provide the children with extra
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and protection, which they always need.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Business should do any things they can to make a profit. v. 355

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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