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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Telephone has greater influence on people’s lives thantelevision has. v.739

Telephone has greater influence on people’s lives thantelevision has. v. 739
Since the beginning of time, human beings have always strived to improve their living standards and bring more convenience to their day to day lives. television and the telephone are the most important mankind invention that changes all societies in all fields. they even changed human beings from day to day behaviors. The two of them are the door to the modernity. I personally believe that both of them are important as much as another but on the other side, the invitation of the telephone made a big communication revolution that literally chang the word. Thus we could agree with the above sentences that said the telephone is more influential than television. I will explain my point of view in 2 following reasons. -First and foremost let me point out how so difficult life was before the telephone. People in distance were worried about each other or would miss each other without any telecommunications. it is made us think that, before the telephone, life was like you couldn' t get in touch with someone even very important to you, for days, month or even years. In my opinion, it' s like torture. we all need to speak to someone who we love. As a personal experience when I was a kid my father worked in another city and we did not have telephone and my mother was always worried about my father and she always tried to find some way to contact with him. as soon as we got the telephone everything got better. -The second reason that I would like to bring here is how the invention of the telephone changed the world, it was an evolution of modernity. After the telephone, everything got better and all societies (especially the west countries) found a way to the world of technology. humans found a way to telecommunications and they enjoyed it a lot but it wasn’t enough for them. they tried to progress this technology to make life easier as possible. I personally think that the invention of the telephone is the main door to what we call the new age. Now, everyone has a personal cellphone in their pocket or bags and life is easier. -To make a long story short, I believe the telephone is one of the most important human being inventions. it made life easier and more interesting. The phone was like a source of inspiration for modern inventors. For those who wanted to make the world better and a modern place, For young people and new ideas.
Since the beginning of time, human beings have always strived to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their living standards and bring more convenience to their
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
television
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
are the most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
mankind invention that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
all societies in all fields.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
they
even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
human beings from day to day behaviors.

The two of them are the door to the modernity.

I
personally
believe that both of them are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
as much as another

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
but
on the other side, the invitation of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
made a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
communication revolution that
literally
Possible spelling mistake found.
chang
the word.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
we could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the above sentences that said the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
is more influential than television.

I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my point of view in 2 following reasons.

-
First
and foremost
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me point out how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
difficult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the telephone.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
in distance
were worried
about each other or would miss each other without any telecommunications.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
is made
us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
was like you
Possible spelling mistake found.
couldn&
#039; t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in touch with someone even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
to you, for days, month or even years.

In my opinion,
Possible spelling mistake found.
it&
#039; s like torture.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
we
all need to speak to someone who we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
.

As a personal experience when I was a kid my father worked in another
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
city and
we did not have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
and my mother was always worried about my
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
father and
she always tried to find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
way to contact with him.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
everything
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
better.

-The second reason that I would like to bring here is how the invention of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the world, it was an evolution of modernity.

After the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
, everything
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
better and all societies (
especially
the west countries) found a way to the world of technology.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
humans
found a way to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
telecommunications and
they enjoyed it a lot
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it wasn’t
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for them.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
they
tried to progress this technology to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
easier
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
possible. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the invention of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
is the main door to what we call the new age.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, everyone has a personal cellphone in their pocket or bags and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is easier.

-To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a long story short, I believe the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
telephone
is one of the most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
human being inventions.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
easier and more interesting.

The phone was like a source of inspiration for modern inventors.

For those who wanted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the world better and a modern place, For young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
18Mistakes

IELTS essay Telephone has greater influence on people’s lives thantelevision has. v. 739

Essay
  American English
20 paragraphs
422 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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