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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Most advertisements make products seem much better then they really are. Hi Please correct my essay, Thanks a lot, v.682

Most advertisements make products seem much better then they really are. Hi Please correct my essay, Thanks a lot, v. 682
Although many people believe that commercials do not indeed makes the products to look much better, I strongly disagree with this belief. In my opinion companies try to affect their customers using various kinds of strategies that the most effective strategy among these strategies is T. V commercials. Moreover social media has a profound impact on our life and most of the times people accept what they hear on the social media. Also the most important thing is that if a product has a great quality it would not need to be advertised on the media. Doubtless, companies try to increase their benefits through selling more and more products to the customers and they use different techniques to large their audiences through creating more exciting advertisement. An example from my own life may shed some light on this issues; I remember the time when I was a child and a T. V commercial was shown repeatedly on T. V in which a beautiful dull was advertised. I remember that I obliged my parents to buy that dull for me since the commercial had really affected me but after buying it I consider that it was not resembles the dull in the advertisement. We should always remember that media most important role is to affect audiences. Whether a report is shown in T. V exaggerating a simple event and trying to show it as a really disastrous one, or a speech in which the speaker favors a specific point of view without any good reason, or a T. V commercial trying to convince us buying a special product, we unconsciously accept and believe what we watch or hear on the media. Just imagine that how much money companies should pay for even a short T. V commercial, if they had not such profound impact on we the companies would never have spent this huge amount of money in order to show us something that is not real. Another side of the coin however is that the high quality wares are those that everyone knows about it and they do not need to be advertised. Take for instance a brand which is really popular in my country, named Minoo, it produces different kinds of cakes and juices. People always are satisfied with Minoo’s products and they go to shops looking for this brand. Actually we do not see its advertisements in our national media since it has a good quality and people already now about it. To wrap it up, we can see that how commercials affect our life and points of views. We can see that how they may convince us to evaluate a product differently base on considering it from another perspective which is not really reliable. So does not it seems that when we are trying to buy a product forget about advertisements and rely on our own way of thinking in order to make a right decision?
Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that commercials do not
indeed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
to look much better, I
strongly
disagree with this belief. In my opinion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
try to affect their customers using various kinds of strategies that the most effective strategy among these strategies is T. V commercials.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
has a profound impact on our life and
Consider using "most of the time" if you mean "usually" or "very often".
most of the times
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
accept what they hear on the social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing is that if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
has a great quality it would not need to
be advertised
on the media.

Doubtless,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
try to increase their benefits through selling more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
to the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
customers and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
techniques to large their audiences through creating more exciting advertisement. An example from my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life may shed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
light on
Did you mean "these"?
this
issues; I remember the time when I was a child and a T. V
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
was shown
repeatedly
on T. V in which a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
dull
was advertised
. I remember that I obliged my parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
that dull for me since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
had
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after buying it I consider that it was not resembles the dull in the advertisement.

We should always remember that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role is to affect audiences. Whether a report
is shown
in T. V exaggerating a simple
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
and trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
it as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
really
disastrous one, or a speech in which the speaker favors a specific point of view without any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
reason, or a T. V
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
trying to convince us buying a special
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
, we
unconsciously
accept and believe what we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
or hear on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
imagine that how much money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
should pay for even a short T. V
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commercial
, if they had not such profound impact on we the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
would never have spent this huge amount of money in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
us something
that is
not real.

Another side of the coin
however
is that the high quality wares are those that everyone knows about
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
it and
they do not need to
be advertised
. Take
for instance
a brand which is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
really
popular in my country, named
Possible spelling mistake found.
Minoo
, it produces
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of cakes and juices.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
always
are satisfied
with
Possible spelling mistake found.
Minoo
’s
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
products and
they go to shops looking for this brand. Actually we do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
its advertisements in our national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
since it has a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
quality and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
about it.

To wrap it up, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that how commercials affect our life and points of views. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that how they may convince us to evaluate a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
differently
base on considering it from another perspective which is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
really
reliable.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
does not it seems that when we are trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
forget about advertisements and rely on our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way of thinking in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a right decision?
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Most advertisements make products seem much better then they really are. Hi Please correct my essay, Thanks a lot, v. 682

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
489 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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