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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Classmates are a more important influence than parents on a child’s success in school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.64

Classmates are a more important influence than parents on a child’s success in school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 64
Many argue that the criminals of one particular crime should get a fixed punishment, irrespective of other factors like circumstances and motives, while others believe that circumstantial evidence and intentions should also be taken into account while deciding their fate. I firmly believe that the judges must consider the reasons of a crime and whether it was an intentional event or an accident while making a judgment to fulfil the requirements of justice. On the one hand, people believe that the main purpose of punishing a criminal should be to deter many others, and fixed punishments are best suited for this purpose. In other words, people will be more conscious in their daily activities, avoiding any criminal act, because they would already be knowing their fate, in case they would be caught. To illustrate an example, people in United Arab Emirates are following strict road discipline to avoid an accident, as there are fixed punishments for it. Many individuals, therefore, consider that this policy of fixed punishments would decrease crime rates. On the other hand, others believe that fixed sentences would not serve the justice in true sense. To put it another way, many people may end up in doing an act of crime accidentally without any intentions for it. For instance, one may meet a road traffic accident and kill someone without any motives to do that. Punishing him or her the same way as a murderer doing a robbery would not meet the criteria of justice. For these reasons, I am a staunch supporter of flexible punishments which should vary according to the circumstances. To conclude, although fixed punishment may reduce the crime rate by creating deterrence in public, yet it should be unjust for many who commit some crime accidentally.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
argue that the criminals of one particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fixed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
, irrespective of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors like circumstances and motives, while others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that circumstantial evidence and intentions should
also
be taken
into account while deciding their fate. I
firmly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the judges
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
consider the reasons of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
and whether it was an intentional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
or an accident while making a judgment to fulfil the requirements of justice.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the main purpose of punishing a criminal should be to deter
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fixed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishments
are best suited for this purpose. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be more conscious in their daily activities, avoiding any criminal act,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they would already
The verb 'knowing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
be knowing
their fate, in case they would
be caught
. To illustrate an example,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the United Arab Emirates".
in United Arab Emirates
are following strict road discipline to avoid an accident, as there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fixed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishments
for it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
individuals,
therefore
, consider that this policy of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fixed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishments
would decrease
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rates.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fixed
sentences would not serve the justice in true sense. To put it another way,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in doing an act of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
accidentally
without any intentions for it.
For instance
, one may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
a road traffic accident and kill someone without any motives to do that. Punishing him or her the same way as a murderer doing a robbery would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the criteria of justice. For these reasons, I am a staunch supporter of flexible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishments
which should vary according to the circumstances.

To conclude
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fixed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rate by creating deterrence in public,
yet
it should be unjust for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
who commit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
accidentally
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Classmates are a more important influence than parents on a child’s success in school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 64

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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