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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. v.568

The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. v. 568
Celebrities are people that can have impact on society members’ perspective, however their acceptability is different among generations. Personally thinking, I believe that celebrity’s opinions are more important to younger people compared to older people. I will give three reasons to support my perspective. First, young people usually are seeking a pattern to follow. The pattern can be celebrities, writers and thinkers. They think that celebrities are valid persons which all of their actions are true. For example, my cousin loves a soccer player. He try to make up his hair like the athlete. He always choose cloths to be similar with the player. Even my cousin’s gestures are similar to him. In total, my cousin try to follow the soccer’s player lifestyle. Even he try to persuade others to follow the player. His father is in opposite side and always castigate him. Thus, opinion of a celebrity such as fashion style, quotes, gestures and behaviors are more important to young people. Following above, young people are more interested to celebrity’s opinions because they want to be member of a group of peoples which like the celebrity. As humans are social creature, all of always want to be in societies that are match with our favorites. It make us to feel more confidence. One of my friends likes body building. He always read their magazine and watch body building athlete’s interviews. He usually repeats quotes and statements of body building athletes. His life is dedicated to them. Most of his friends are body builders. His father used to be body building fan too. Now, his is ignore it. He says that I can’t do body building anymore, so I don’t mind what they say. So, being in a group that is similar to our interesting can be effective in shaping our perspective. Perspective which is presenting by celebrities. Last but not least, celebrities are usually introduced as people which are benefit from some advantages and adjectives that make them bold among other, for example, they may be very beautiful, strong, hero, attractive, charismatic, etc. As humans are seeking perfection, everybody may be attracted to the celebrities which have one or several mentioned adjectives. Also, people usually like a certain celebrity, for example, Madonna, because they think that she is their desired person and she is the one that they can happy with them. So, this kind of romance stories among celebrities and young people are more common because youths are more eager to fall in love and they are more emotional than older people. Maybe, all of us had or has such romantic experience and almost, all of us know that when a person fall in love with another person, especially boys to girls, they try to get them closer to by confirming them. So, this confirmation strategy is applicable about celebrities too, consciously or unconsciously. Therefore, it is not surprising that if celebrity’s opinions are very important to youths. In conclusion, young people are more influenced by celebrities. They are more susceptible to famous persons. They think that following celebrities make them valid in society, and that, easily can be a part of special group.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Celebrities
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that can have impact on society members’ perspective,
however
their acceptability is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
among generations.
Personally
thinking, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinions
are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
compared to older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I will give three reasons to support my perspective.

First
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usually
are seeking a pattern to follow. The pattern can be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
, writers and thinkers. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are valid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
which all of their actions are true.
For example
, my cousin
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
a soccer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
player
. He
The pronoun 'He' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "tries", "tried".
try
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
up his hair like the athlete. He always
The pronoun 'He' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "chooses", "chose".
choose
cloths to be similar with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
player
. Even my cousin’s gestures are similar to him. In total, my cousin try to follow the soccer’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
player
lifestyle. Even he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "tries", "tried".
try
to persuade others to follow the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
player
. His father is in opposite side and always castigate him.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
such as fashion style, quotes, gestures and behaviors are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Following above,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more interested to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to be member of a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
which like the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
. As humans are social creature, all of always want to be in societies that are match with our favorites. It
Did you mean "makes"?
make
us to feel more confidence. One of my friends likes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
. He always read their magazine and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
athlete’s interviews. He
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usually
repeats quotes and statements of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
athletes. His life
is dedicated
to them. Most of his friends are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
builders. His father
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
fan too.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, his is
Consider using a past participle here: "ignored".
ignore
it. He says that I can’t do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
building
anymore,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I don’t mind what they say.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, being in a group
that is
similar to our interesting can be effective in shaping our perspective. Perspective which is presenting by celebrities.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usually
introduced as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
which are benefit from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages and adjectives that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them bold among other,
for example
, they may be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
, strong, hero, attractive, charismatic, etc. As humans are seeking perfection, everybody may
be attracted
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
which have one or several mentioned adjectives.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usually
like a certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
,
for example
, Madonna,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that she is their desired
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
person and
she is the one that they
It seems that a verb or adverb has been misspelled or is missing here.
can happy
with them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, this kind of romance stories among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more common
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
youths are more eager to fall in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
love and
they are more emotional than older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Maybe, all of us had or has such romantic experience and almost, all of us know that when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
fall in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
with another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
,
especially
boys to girls, they try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
them closer to by confirming them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, this confirmation strategy is applicable about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
too,
consciously
or
unconsciously
.
Therefore
, it is not surprising that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinions
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to youths.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more influenced by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
. They are more susceptible to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that following
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them valid in society, and that,
easily
can be a part of special group.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
63Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. v. 568

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
526 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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