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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more beneficial to travel in your own country rather than traveling to foreign countries. v.478

It is more beneficial to travel in your own country rather than traveling to foreign countries. v. 478
The world is changing at a rapid pace, so we have to change ourselves. To fulfill our personal and professional goal and to keep pace with the changing world we have to travel a lot. Some people travel within their own country and some people travel to foreign countries. A lot of people believe that they benefit more when they travel within their own country. Others disagree. In my view, people get more advantage when they visit foreign countries because of two reasons. First, When people visit to any foreign country, they can learn new things and new culture, as a result their knowledge is increased. Every country is different from others. They have different culture and custom. When someone travels outside from his native country he can explore these facts. This exploration in turns enhances his knowledge and enriches his mentality. For example, I was a very introvert boy from my childhood. I did not enjoy talking with new people and making new friends. I did not like travelling. When I finished my high school study, I made a plan to travel across my home country. I with my friends travelled a lot across our country. We went to many historical places and explored new foods. But when I returned from the trip I realized that I had not learned any new thing. So After my graduation I planned to visit Europe. I managed a travel group and joined with them. We travelled across Europe and discovered different customs and culture. I was very happy and excited. After completing my trip I realized my knowledge about world diversity and culture had greatly increased. So this example clearly illustrates that travelling abroad can greatly increase our depth of knowledge. The second reason why I advocate this point of view lies in the fact that people can improve their financial condition travelling to foreign countries. We know that there are under-developed countries, Developing countries and developed countries. There is not enough job in developing and developed countries. People from these countries move to developed countries. If they can manage a job in foreign countries then their living condition improves and they become financially independent. For instance, I had a cousin who lived in a developing country. He graduated from a engineering university but did not able to manage a good job. After a few years he travelled to Europe and Managed a job there. Then his living condition was improved and he became financially solvent. So this experience clearly illustrates that travelling a foreign country can improve our financial condition. In Sum, I strongly believes that people get more benefit when they travel foreign countries. Travelling foreign countries not only increases our knowledge but also financially helps us. So, everyone should be aware of this fact and try to travel as many foreign countries as possible.
The world is changing at a rapid pace,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
ourselves. To fulfill our personal and professional goal and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
pace with the changing world we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
a lot.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
within their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that they benefit more when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
within their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. Others disagree. In my view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more advantage when they visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of two reasons.

First
, When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
visit to any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, they can learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
,
as a result
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
is increased
. Every
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country
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from others. They have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and custom.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travels
outside from his native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
he can explore these facts. This exploration in turns enhances his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
and enriches his mentality.
For example
, I was a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
introvert boy from my childhood. I did not enjoy talking with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
friends. I did not like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
. When I finished my high school study, I made a plan to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
across my home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. I with my friends travelled a lot across our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. We went to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
historical places and explored
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
foods.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
when I returned from the trip I realized that I had not learned any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
thing.
“So After” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
So After
my graduation I planned to visit Europe. I managed a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
group and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
with them. We travelled across Europe and discovered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
customs and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
. I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
happy and excited. After completing my trip I realized my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
about world diversity and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
had
greatly
increased.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
this example
clearly
illustrates that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
abroad can
greatly
increase our depth of knowledge.

The second reason why I advocate this point of view lies in the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their financial condition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. We know that there are under-developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, Developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. There is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in developing and developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
from these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. If they can manage a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
then their living condition
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
improves and
they become
financially
independent.
For instance
, I had a cousin who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
in a developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. He graduated from
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
engineering university
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
did not able to manage a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. After a few years he travelled to Europe and Managed a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
there. Then his living condition was
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
improved and
he became
financially
solvent.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
this experience
clearly
illustrates that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our financial condition.

In Sum, I
strongly
The pronoun 'I' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "believe"
believes
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more benefit when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Travelling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
increases our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
financially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, everyone should be aware of this fact and try to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
as possible.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
72Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay It is more beneficial to travel in your own country rather than traveling to foreign countries. v. 478

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
475 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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