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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v.451

Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 451
Nowadays, we can hear tremendous personal news regarding to famous lives from a wide variety of sources: including TVs, Internet and so on. Even though knowing this kind of news is becoming entertainments for some people, I believe that famous people must have more privacy because of following reasons. To begin with, well-known people have regular lives beside the popularity among people, and they need their privacy for their own family, specially children. In other sense, children, who have famous parents, disturb extremely from journalists. In fact, journalist are interested in all aspects of their lives, so it takes away ordinary life-style from those children. Even though, children' s famous parents have chose this life-style, their children still deserve to live how they want. For instance, Micheal Jackson covered face of his own children in front of audience in order to protect them from journalists and news. In addition, this kind of news affects society in negative ways. The famous people have diverse audience range from older people to younger peoplem, and they are so vulnerable to their beloved character reactions. Due to that, if a famous person decided to do some harmful activities, her fans would be affected_ specially younger people. As a consequence, audinece may follow their beloved person' s activities. Last but not the least, companies are wasting the country' s budgets for this unnecessarely news. Contrary, such a great deal of money could be utilized in other aspects. To illustrate this, the governmont must use these budgets for enhancing the universities conditions. Also, this news directly wastes people time by reading and following them, which has no benefits for them. To sum up, I am of the conviction famous people must have more privacy, because of above reasons.
Nowadays, we can hear tremendous personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
The phrase 'regarding to' is not correct. Use "regarding" or "regard to".
regarding to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
from a wide variety of sources: including TVs, Internet and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Even though
knowing this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
is becoming entertainments for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have more privacy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of following reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, well-known
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
beside the popularity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and they need their privacy for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
family,
specially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In other sense,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, who have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
parents, disturb
extremely
from journalists. In fact, journalist
are interested
in all aspects of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it takes away ordinary life-style from those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Even though
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
parents have
Use past participle here: "chosen".
chose
this life-style, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
still
deserve to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
how they want.
For instance
, Micheal Jackson covered face of his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in front of audience in order to protect them from journalists and news.

In addition
, this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
affects society in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
ways. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have diverse audience range from older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to younger
Possible spelling mistake found.
peoplem
, and they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
vulnerable to their beloved character reactions. Due to that, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
person decided to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
harmful activities, her fans would be affected_
specially
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. As a consequence,
Possible spelling mistake found.
audinece
may follow their beloved
Possible spelling mistake found.
person&
#039; s activities.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the least,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are wasting the
Possible spelling mistake found.
country&
#039; s budgets for this
Possible spelling mistake found.
unnecessarely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
. Contrary, such a great deal of money could
be utilized
in other aspects. To illustrate this, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
governmont
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these budgets for enhancing the universities conditions.
Also
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
directly
wastes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
time by reading and following them, which has no benefits for them.

To sum up, I am of the conviction
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have more privacy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of above reasons.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Famous entertainers and athletes deserve to have more privacy than they have now. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. v. 451

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
292 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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