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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Most business people are only motivated by the desire of money. v.376

Most business people are only motivated by the desire of money. v. 376
In this day and age, the intense rate of change in the world gives rise to numerous new products. Unfortunately, this also encourages people to throw away their old but useful items regardless of whether or not they still work. This essay will present the reason why this trend has a negative impact on human beings and the environment. To begin with, in today’s digital world, it is believed that irresistible advertisements are the root of the problem| are deemed the root of the phenomenon. Advertising has been defined as one of the most powerful, manipulate and persuasive tools for manufacturers to persuade customers to purchase new products that they really do not even need. The brand new and state of the art one year is quickly relegated to old model’ status the next such as laptops and smartphones. Although it would have the same function as the previous model, many people spend their money buying this new one to show their wealth and fashion. Thus, these old items might be disposed. The throw-away lifestyle has posed a detrimental threat to both individuals and our environment. Firstly, workers involved in the disposed high-tech devices may be affected by blood diseases and cancers, because most of these devices are a complicated assembly of hundreds of different materials which are highly toxic. This leads to environmental degradation since huge amounts of hazardous waste are being discharged into the environment. Finally, the rise of single-use and short-lived items is also contributing to the factor. The more the products are thrown away, the more garbage is produced. These non-recyclable items will remain in the soil forever. In conclusion, the emergence of throw-away has caused many negative impacts on our society; therefore, this practice needs to be discouraged. The governments should implement certain regulations controlling the production and disposal of these throw-away goods and encourage producers to integrate an increasing quantity of recycled material in any new products they produce.
In this day and age, the intense rate of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the world gives rise to numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
. Unfortunately, this
also
encourages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to throw away their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
useful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
items
regardless of
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
they
still
work. This essay will present the reason why this trend has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on human beings and the environment.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s digital world, it
is believed
that irresistible advertisements are the root of the problem|
are deemed
the root of the phenomenon. Advertising has
been defined
as one of the most powerful, manipulate and persuasive tools for manufacturers to persuade customers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
that they
really
do not even need. The brand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
and state of the art one year is
quickly
relegated to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
model’ status the
next
such as laptops and smartphones. Although it would have the same function as the previous model,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend their money buying this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
one to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their wealth and fashion.
Thus
, these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
items
might
be disposed
.

The throw-away lifestyle has posed a detrimental threat to both individuals and our environment.
Firstly
, workers involved in the disposed high-tech devices may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by blood diseases and cancers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of these devices are a complicated assembly of hundreds of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
materials which are
highly
toxic. This leads to environmental degradation since huge amounts of hazardous waste are
being discharged
into the environment.
Finally
, the rise of single-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
and short-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
items
is
also
contributing to the factor. The more the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
are thrown
away, the more garbage
is produced
. These non-recyclable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
items
will remain in the soil forever.

In conclusion
, the emergence of throw-away has caused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on our society;
therefore
, this practice needs to
be discouraged
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should implement certain regulations controlling the production and disposal of these throw-away
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and encourage producers to integrate an increasing quantity of recycled material in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
they produce.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Most business people are only motivated by the desire of money. v. 376

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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