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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students shouldn't be allowed to bring cellphones into the classroom. v.302

Students shouldn't be allowed to bring cellphones into the classroom. v. 302
A Good number of people assume, That a well to do person should spend a lot on charity or lend it back to the world. I will discuss on how much, I agree to the public view in the below paragraphs. First of all, We need to understand how an individual becomes super rich. There are multiple reasons for it, Most of the cases they accumulate the wealth from the public. Lets take an example, People like Bill gates and Jeff Bezos are the top richest people in the world and they build their organization on public spending their money on their platform. Does that mean, do they need to give some money back to them? . Moreover, I would say it is totally unacceptable, But there is an ethics that when they have huge assets, Which was raised with the help of Public then they have a social responsibility to take care of citizens around them. Furthermore, They should try to set up a charity foundation or fund existing registered charities to help nations around the world to get rid of poverty. Even though, I agree with the fact that millionaire needs to think of giving it back to society, I disagree with that public cannot pressurised to do so. It is their hard work which made them sit in that position. Eventually there are so many factors that make a person multiplies his assets. Hence Lastly, I would say it is their own personal choice of the billionaire to take the call. To summarise, In my personal opinion, I would say the money may come and go, But the good deeds done to the society will give them a reputation and makes a closer bond with the public.
A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Good
number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assume, That a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well to do
person should spend a lot on charity or lend it back to the world. I will discuss on how much, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
view in the below paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, We need to understand how an individual becomes super rich. There are multiple reasons for it, Most of the cases they accumulate the wealth from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
.
Did you mean "Let's" (let's = let us; lets = 3rd person singular of 'let')?
Lets
take an example,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
like
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Bill gates
and Jeff Bezos are the top richest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
world and
they build their organization on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
spending their money on their platform. Does that mean, do they need to give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money back to them?
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Moreover
, I would say it is
totally
unacceptable,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there is an ethics that when they have huge assets, Which
was raised
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Public
then they have a social responsibility to take care of citizens around them.

Furthermore
, They should try to set up a charity foundation or fund existing registered charities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
nations around the world to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of poverty.

Even though
, I
Consider using "agree that".
agree with the fact that
millionaire needs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
of giving it back to society, I disagree with that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
cannot
The verb 'cannot' requires the base form of the verb: "pressurise"
pressurised
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
. It is their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work which made them sit in that position.
Eventually
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a person multiplies his assets.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
Lastly
, I would say it is their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
personal choice of the billionaire to take the call.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
, In my personal opinion, I would say the money may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
and go,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
deeds done to the society will give them a reputation and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a closer bond with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Students shouldn't be allowed to bring cellphones into the classroom. v. 302

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
290 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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