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Do you believe that experimentation on animals for scientific purposes is justified? Are there any alternatives to animal experimentation? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v.1

Do you believe that experimentation on animals for scientific purposes is justified? Are there any alternatives to animal experimentation? v. 1
Nowadays, new technology has played an important role for kids to spend their free time. Many people believe that technology could help the boys and girls learn new ideas, while others don't think so. There are persuasive reasons for both sides to discuss, and we will examine this issue in depth in the following paragraphs. First of all, the main advantage of new technology for teenagers is that it's easier for them to communicate with friends or family members all over the world. Besides, it can also help them reach out worldwide news wherever they are. Take my friend, Tina, for example. She is the only child in her family, and she has studied in Australia since she was 9 years old. Nonetheless, her parents are both in Taiwan. Therefore, high technology helps them keep contacting with each other. Furthermore, even she is not in Taiwan, through the development of the internet she won't miss any news. From such examples, it demonstrates that technological process shortens the distance between people. However, new technology can be harmful for human beings' health if youth spends too much time on that. For instance, my cousin, Ann. She used to spend more than 15 hours a day to play video games, by this way her eyes got disease while she was just 10 years old. Moreover, even she went through a big surgery. Her doctor couldn't ensure her eyes could be recovered as before. Consequently, it can be said that teenagers need to control how much time they spend on screen. Otherwise, new technology can be harmful to younger health as well. To conclude, despite of disadvantages there is not to say that the development of technology is totally without merit. In my point of view, the process of high tech is really worthy for youth. Nevertheless, they may need to be educated in order to avoid unlimited using.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has played an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role for kids to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their free time.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the boys and girls learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
, while others don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
. There are persuasive reasons for both sides to discuss, and we will examine this issue in depth in the following paragraphs.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the main advantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
is that it's easier for them to communicate with friends or family members all over the world.
Besides
, it can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them reach out worldwide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
wherever they are. Take my friend, Tina,
for example
. She is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
child in her family, and she has studied in Australia since she was 9 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. Nonetheless, her parents are both in Taiwan.
Therefore
, high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
contacting with each other.
Furthermore
, even she is not in Taiwan, through the development of the internet she won't miss any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
. From such examples, it demonstrates that technological process shortens the distance between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
can be harmful for human beings' health if youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spends
too much time on that.
For instance
, my cousin, Ann. She
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more than 15 hours a day to play video games, by this way her eyes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
disease while she was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
10 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
Moreover
, even she went through a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
surgery. Her doctor couldn't ensure her eyes could
be recovered
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Consequently
, it can
be said
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
need to control how much time they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
on screen.
Otherwise
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
can be harmful to younger health
as well
.

To conclude
,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
disadvantages there is not to say that the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is
totally
without merit. In my point of view, the process of high tech is
really
worthy for youth.
Nevertheless
, they may need to
be educated
in order to avoid unlimited using.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Do you believe that experimentation on animals for scientific purposes is justified? Are there any alternatives to animal experimentation? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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