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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People should have hobbies and do physical activities that are very different from their own work. v.214

People should have hobbies and do physical activities that are very different from their own work. v. 214
Nowadays, few citizens consider that senior staff has to step out at 54 years of age in order to give chance to the new employee. This topic disagrees with an argument and believes 55 is not the right stage to retire from an employment. Firstly, it will discuss Senior people efficiency and recruitment. Secondly employees stability and followed by a conclusion. Industries are hiring the dynamic people who are passionate about the change and setting the 55 years of employment to the senior staffs is an inappropriate decision. Although, this will lead the High level crew life which is furthermore effected on the employment. For an example, survey studies in U. S, people who retired early has not seen a significant life due to various reasons such as debts, different loans to clear besides looking after family. An enterprise must understand the importance of being a senior in the business which helps the juniors to improve the designed roles and boosts them for the further challenging stages. Nevertheless, to bring more productivity and development in the young generations, a seniority level is required them to learn and brings the enterprise business to be more successful. For instance, 78% of Young Indians consider that they are inspired and motivated by experienced staffs in an organization. To conclude, companies must boost the senior employees to continue their duty with them and young employees must learn from the senior employee to make the business successful. In my opinion, top level force business level must be extended to be fair and reasonable.
Nowadays, few citizens consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
staff
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
step out at 54 years of age in order to give chance to the new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
. This topic disagrees with an argument and believes 55 is not the right stage to retire from an employment.
Firstly
, it will discuss
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Senior
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
efficiency and recruitment.
Secondly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
stability and followed by a conclusion.

Industries are hiring the dynamic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are passionate about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
and setting the 55 years of employment to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
staffs is an inappropriate decision.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
, this will lead the High
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
crew life which is
furthermore
effected on the employment. For an example, survey studies in U. S,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who retired early has not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
a significant life due to various reasons such as debts,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
loans to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
besides
looking after family.

An enterprise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
understand the importance of being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the juniors to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the designed roles and boosts them for the
further
challenging stages.
Nevertheless
, to bring more productivity and development in the young generations, a seniority
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
is required
them to learn and brings the enterprise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
to be more successful.
For instance
, 78% of Young Indians consider that they
are inspired
and motivated by experienced staffs in an organization.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
boost the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
to continue their duty with them and young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
learn from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
successful. In my opinion, top
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
force
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be extended
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
and reasonable.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay People should have hobbies and do physical activities that are very different from their own work. v. 214

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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