Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Competition among friends always has a negative effect on their friendship. v.155

Competition among friends always has a negative effect on their friendship. v. 155
Engaging some children with some kind of paid work is considered as a wrong treatment, while some people believe that it can contribute a more positive impact on them. This essay will explain why I think the drawbacks of a paid work for children are outweighed by the benefit. Considering firstly the positives, the crucial advantage of having a job for children is they can earn some money to fund their life. Having a salary is a fundamental resource for them to learn how to live an independent life, and as a result, they will start taking responsibility for their daily needs. Besides earning money, paid work is not only giving valuable experience to get a future job, but also improving their skill to deal with any problem in the working environment. The expertise that people need in the office, for instance, emotional quotient, will be learned effectively by their working experience, not by the class process. On the other hand, letting children work also does present some problems. For example, a paid job will distract them from their focus on learning the other necessary skills like numeracy and literacy in a school. School, as an educational institution, will equip both of those skills for their student. This is a so critical because numeracy and literacy will help to improve logical thinking, problem-solving, and exploring new knowledge. To sum up, although paid work for children is beneficial in terms of giving valuable experience, improving the learning process, and teaching to take responsibility, it will be more important to focus on the learning process in the school. If working experience has an urgency, it can be combined as a vocational curriculum system.
Engaging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is considered
as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
treatment, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that it can contribute a more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on them. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the drawbacks of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are outweighed
by the benefit.

Considering
firstly
the positives, the crucial advantage of having a job for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is they can earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money to fund their life. Having a salary is a fundamental resource for them to learn how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
an independent life, and
as a result
, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
taking responsibility for their daily needs.
Besides
earning money,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
giving valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a future job,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
improving their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
to deal with any problem in the working environment. The expertise that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
need in the office,
for instance
, emotional quotient, will
be learned
effectively
by their working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
, not by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
process.

On the other hand
, letting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
also
does present
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
job will distract them from their focus on learning the other necessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
like numeracy and literacy in a school. School, as an educational institution, will equip both of those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
for their student. This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
critical
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
numeracy and literacy will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
logical thinking, problem-solving, and exploring new knowledge.

To sum up, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is beneficial in terms of giving valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
, improving the learning process, and teaching
Did you mean "taking"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'teach' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to take
responsibility, it will be more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to focus on the learning process in the school. If working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
has an urgency, it can
be combined
as a vocational curriculum system.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Competition among friends always has a negative effect on their friendship. v. 155

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts