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Do you agree or disagree with following statements? Pets help people to relax. It is important to have a pet to reduce stress. v.1

Pets help people to relax. It is important to have a pet to reduce stress. v. 1
There is no doubt that parents and schools play a crucial role in developing good behaviour in children. However, while some believe that school is the place for this, I would agree with those who argue that parents play an important role in teaching good values and in-turn a better person. Firstly, schools play a vital role in upbringing of a child that enables them to become good member and helps in progression of the community. This is because teachers in schools not only help in developing a child’s mind in a scientific way, but also in different aspects of life. For instance, some secondary schools have subjects of value education which includes lessons on good values, behaviour, discipline and manners helping them know the important essentials of life. The argument goes that if schools did not have such lessons for students, then there would be a shortage of these responsible persons in society. However, I believe that parents should be responsible for inculcating good values and manners in their children, which eventually will make them a responsible citizen of a country. The reason for this is that usually children have a strong connection with their parents, and research has shown that especially mothers have a greater impact on their child’s mind. As a result, children absorb these life lessons from imitating their parents and engage in good habits since childhood. If these values were not taught by parents, then the child would have lost their path to lead a good life. In conclusion, although it is of critical importance that schools must include teaching these lessons to supply society with good citizens, I feel that parents should take the responsibility of inculcating appropriate manners in their children as they can mould a developing mind in a good way, which will enable them to become responsible members of society.
There is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
play a crucial role in developing
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good
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in
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children
.
However
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is the place for this, I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with those who argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
values and in-turn a better person.

Firstly
,
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schools
play a vital role in upbringing of a
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child
that enables them to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
member and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in progression of the community. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
teachers in
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schools
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in developing a
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child’s
mind
Consider replacing "in a scientific way" with the adverb for "scientific"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a scientific way
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects of life.
For instance
,
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some
secondary
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schools
have subjects of
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value
education which includes
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lessons
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
values,
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, discipline and manners helping them know the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
essentials of life. The argument goes that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
did not have such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
for students, then there would be a shortage of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
persons in society.

However
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
for inculcating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
values and manners in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, which
eventually
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
citizen of a country.
The reason for this is
that
usually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have a strong connection with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, and research has shown that
especially
mothers have a greater impact on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
mind.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
absorb these life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
from imitating their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and engage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
habits since childhood. If these values were not taught by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, then the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
would have lost their path to lead a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
life.

In conclusion
, although it is of critical importance that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
include teaching these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lessons
to supply society with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
citizens, I feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should take the responsibility of inculcating appropriate manners in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as they can
Possible spelling mistake. 'mould' is British English.
mould
a developing mind in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
way, which will enable them to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
members of society.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Pets help people to relax. It is important to have a pet to reduce stress. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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