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Nowadays it seems that almost all websites show online advertisements from other companies for products or services. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? v.1

Nowadays it seems that almost all websites show online advertisements from other companies for products or services. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? v. 1
It is argued by some that children's free time spent on extra-curricular activities is an absolute waste of time. In my opinion, I disagree that the time spent on these activities is useless because such activities offer benefits which are indispensable for the holistic growth of our children. To begin with, non-educational activities that engage children mentally and physically contribute significantly to their mental and physical growth. As a result, children are able to perform well in their education as well. To exemplify, it is often observed that the children who participate regularly in outdoor sports, are found performing tremendously well in their studies also. In addition, children who play in team sports such as cricket, football or hockey develop coordination, quick decision making, and team working skills which are very useful in their future. Moreover, there are some extra-curricular activities which help children to discover their hidden talents or even passions. For example, acting, drawing, painting, reading, writing or playing a musical instrument allows children to explore their creativity which they cannot while only studying. According to a research published by Harvard University, children who learn to play a musical instrument in their childhood, the chances of development of the both sides of their brains are significantly increased, which makes them more creative and ingenious. Furthermore, extra-curricular improve children's cognition and behavior as they are a great way for children to release stress. These activities also enable them to free up their mind and enjoy the moment without any worries for their studies. In conclusion, extra-curricular activities are not a waste of children's time. They are essential for children's mental and physical growth and allow them to explore their hidden creativity and ingenuity.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is an absolute waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In my opinion, I disagree that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is useless
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
offer benefits which are indispensable for the holistic growth of our children.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, non-educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that engage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
mentally and
physically
contribute
significantly
to their mental and physical growth.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are able to perform well in their education
as well
. To exemplify, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
observed that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who participate
regularly
in outdoor sports,
are found
performing
tremendously
well in their studies
also
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who play in team sports such as cricket, football or hockey develop coordination, quick
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
, and team working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful in their future.

Moreover
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to discover their hidden talents or even passions.
For example
, acting, drawing, painting, reading, writing or playing a musical instrument
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to explore their creativity which they cannot while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
studying. According to
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
published by Harvard University,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who learn to play a musical instrument in their childhood, the chances of development of the both sides of their brains are
significantly
increased, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them more creative and ingenious.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra-curricular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
cognition and behavior as they are a great way for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to release
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
also
enable them to free up their mind and enjoy the moment without any worries for their studies.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are not a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. They are essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
mental and physical growth and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to explore their hidden creativity and ingenuity.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Nowadays it seems that almost all websites show online advertisements from other companies for products or services. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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