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do you agree or disagree that students should have a job while they are studying in school? use details and examples to support your explanation. v.1

that students should have a job while they are studying in school? use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1
Over the last few years, the internet has become prevalent. More and more people have used it in their work, online shopping, and communication with each other; also, eye-to-eye contact has replaced by a mobile or laptop screen. I strongly believe that these changes make our life better for multiple reasons, which I will discuss in this essay. First and foremost, from a social viewpoint, time and place difference has evaporated; relevant can communicate at any time regardless of their places. Just click on the calling button, then you can see and speak to your family or friends. Indeed, you may make a conversation with people who are not in the same place. Moreover, you can follow their news via Facebook, Instagram, and so on. From an economic perspective, the internet affords many online jobs. The majority of youth, especially, tend to work a freelancer without any restrictions of a manager. Besides, students can learn at any university or take any courses without leaving their rooms; for instance, more than a million students use e-learning websites monthly. Accordingly, many hours are saved each week by eliminating the daily commute and the stress of coping with the rush hour. Alternatively, many use the internet for online shopping that saves time and petrol on trips to the supermarket as well as comparing offers and selecting the best. To conclude, the internet has improved the lifestyles of several people. Communication becomes easier than before, new Job opportunities have been created, e-learning finds a place and helps in transferring knowledge to more extra pupils, and shopping can be done from home.
Over the last few years, the internet has become prevalent. More and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
it in their work, online shopping, and communication with each other;
also
, eye-to-eye contact has replaced by a mobile or laptop screen. I
strongly
believe that these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our life better for multiple reasons, which I will discuss in this essay.

First
and foremost, from a social viewpoint, time and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
difference has evaporated; relevant can communicate at any time regardless of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
click on the calling button, then you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
and speak to your family or friends.
Indeed
, you may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a conversation with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are not in the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
.
Moreover
, you can follow their news via Facebook, Instagram, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

From an economic perspective, the internet affords
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
online jobs. The majority of youth,
especially
, tend to work a freelancer without any restrictions of a manager.
Besides
, students can learn at any university or take any courses without leaving their rooms;
for instance
, more than a million students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
e-learning websites monthly.
Accordingly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours
are saved
each week by eliminating the daily commute and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of coping with the rush hour.
Alternatively
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the internet for online shopping that saves time and petrol on trips to the supermarket
as well
as comparing offers and selecting the best.

To conclude
, the internet has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
the lifestyles of several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Communication becomes easier than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, new Job opportunities have
been created
, e-learning finds a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in transferring knowledge to more extra pupils, and shopping can
be done
from home.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay that students should have a job while they are studying in school? use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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