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Do you agree or disagree that students should bring a cellphone to school? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v.1

that students should bring a cellphone to school? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1
Sports play an indispensable role in our lives and professional sportsmen become heroes for many people, especially teenagers. They would like to imitate the way these stars dress, act and live their lives. Although many top athletes are good role models and responsible citizens, others are not deserving of their role model status. On the one hand, professional athletes are excellent inspirational people who prefer to watch sports or engage in sport-related activities. This can be elucidated by the fact that individuals admire their sportsmen whose characters help them to learn about valuable life lessons such as teamwork, goal setting, the reality of dealing with success and failure. Moreover, these personalities can make them understand the importance of working hard to achieve a goal or practicing regularly to become good at something. It can be said that this is a great example for the youth to follow their idol. However, it is undeniable that a few great athletes can make adolescents misunderstand about the sportsmanship. For example, many top sportsmen reached a level of fame which make them attract media attention or social attention, or even earn large financial benefits. As a result, teenagers love sports because they focus on the fame and wealth rather than on the fun of the games or on the challenge of learning how to play well. In addition, some sportsmen behave badly, including some cheat to win their competitors or taking drugs to improve their performance. Eventually, this kind of behaviour can send wrong messages to children. With all above arguments, I think that young people can make an attempt to catch all good figures of their favourite sportsmen but they should not try to repeat all of their idols’ lives because every professor has good and bad characters. All of people can agree that there is no an ideal person in the world.
Sports play an indispensable role in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
and professional sportsmen become heroes for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. They would like to imitate the way these stars dress, act and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
top athletes are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
role models and responsible citizens, others
The verb 'deserving' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are not deserving
of their role model status.

On the one hand, professional athletes are excellent inspirational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
sports or engage in sport-related activities. This can
be elucidated
by the fact that individuals admire their sportsmen whose characters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to learn about valuable life lessons such as teamwork, goal setting, the reality of dealing with success and failure.
Moreover
, these personalities can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them understand the importance of working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to achieve a goal or practicing
regularly
to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
at something. It can
be said
that this is a great example for the youth to follow their idol.

However
, it is undeniable that a few great athletes can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
adolescents misunderstand about the sportsmanship.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
top sportsmen reached a level of fame which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them attract media attention or social attention, or even earn large financial benefits.
As a result
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
sports
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they focus on the fame and wealth
rather
than on the fun of the games or on the challenge of learning how to play well.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sportsmen behave
badly
, including
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cheat to win their competitors or taking drugs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their performance.
Eventually
, this kind of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
messages to children.

With all above arguments, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
an attempt to catch all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
figures of their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
sportsmen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they should not try to repeat all of their idols’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
every professor has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
characters. All of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that there is
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
an ideal person in the world.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay that students should bring a cellphone to school? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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