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Do you agree or disagree with the statement that all children under the age of 16 should go to school? v.1

that all children under the age of 16 should go to school? v. 1
It is true that people have health problems because they are lacking exercise. Not getting enough exercise is the main reason why this is the case, and government should be responsible for solving this problem. One of the most important reasons why people are lacking exercise is that people are busy with their work and do not have much time for exercising since they are already tired from work, so they prefer to relax when they have free time. For example, according to the latest survey conducted by Bangkok University, it revealed that 80% of working people who do not want to waste their time for exercising tend to get sick easily. As a result, they tend to be admitted to the hospital more often. In order to solve this issue, the government should take action as soon as possible. The most significant solution to support this is the fact that the government should launch a campaign to promote public health. For example, one campaign would include a TV show that talks about the importance of home exercise. If famous celebrities appear on the TV program, people might get interested in the exercise program and they might start learning how to perform exercise at home. The government also can promote diet challenge competitions so people can record their progress and participate in the competition. In this way, people get interested in doing exercise and keep fit. In conclusion, some workers do not exercise because they want to rest; therefore, there is an urgent need for the government to launch a campaign in order to motivate the workers to spend their time exercising.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have health problems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are lacking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
. Not getting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
is the main reason why this is the case, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should be responsible for solving this problem.

One of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are lacking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are busy with their work and do not have much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for exercising since they are already tired from work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they prefer to relax when they have free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
For example
, according to the latest survey conducted by Bangkok University, it revealed that 80% of working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who do not want to waste their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for exercising tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
sick
easily
.
As a result
, they tend to
be admitted
to the hospital more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
.

In order to solve this issue, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should take action as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible. The most significant solution to support this is the fact that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should launch a campaign to promote public health.
For example
, one campaign would include a TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that talks about the importance of home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
. If
Consider using "celebrities".
famous celebrities
appear on the TV program,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
interested in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
program and
they might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
learning how to perform
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
at home. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
also
can promote diet challenge competitions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can record their progress and participate in the competition. In this way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
interested in doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
workers do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to rest;
therefore
, there is an urgent need for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to launch a campaign in order to motivate the workers to spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
exercising.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay that all children under the age of 16 should go to school? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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