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Do you agree or disagree that people should work on relaxing with hobbies or physical exercises than continue to do same work as in workplace. Support with reasons. v.1

that people should work on relaxing with hobbies or physical exercises than continue to do same work as in workplace. Support with reasons. v. 1
Most children are glued to their computer or cell phone these days. This is not a positive development because when children spend the whole day playing games on their adding machine or gaming console, they will develop many health problems. They may even develop behavioural problems. In my opinion, it is more beneficial for children to spend time outdoors, playing sports or engaging in other activities. Outdoor games are good for children. They make them fitter and stronger as individuals. Children who play games are healthier. They are also less likely to engage in antisocial activities. Better still, outdoor games require the participation of more than one individual. When children play games like football or cricket, they are also learning several social and management skills. They learn to share and work as part of a team. On the other hand, children who spend the whole day indoors will most probably spend several hours in front of the TV or PC. This may lead to several health problems like obesity and diabetes. These children may also find it difficult to interact with others. Also, when they spend a lot of moments on their computer, they are more likely to be exposed to inappropriate materials on the internet. All of these factors can have an adverse impact on their physical and psychological well-being. To conclude, it is not hard to see that there are several benefits of engaging in outdoor activities. Parents should not allow children to waste their whole stage in front of the TV or computer. Even in those families where both parents are away at work, parents can use software programs to limit their children’s exposure to television and the internet.
Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are glued
to their computer or cell phone these days. This is not a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
the whole day playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on their adding machine or gaming console, they will develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health problems. They may even develop
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
problems. In my opinion, it is more beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
time outdoors, playing sports or engaging in other activities.

Outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them fitter and stronger
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
individuals.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
who play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are healthier. They are
also
less likely to engage in antisocial activities. Better
still
, outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
require the participation of more than one individual. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
like football or cricket, they are
also
learning several social and management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. They learn to share and work as part of a team.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
the whole day indoors will most
probably
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
several hours in front of the TV or PC. This may lead to several health problems like obesity and diabetes. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may
also
find it difficult to interact with others.
Also
, when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
moments on their computer, they are more likely to
be exposed
to inappropriate materials on the internet. All of these factors can have an adverse impact on their physical and psychological well-being.

To conclude
, it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that there are several benefits of engaging in outdoor activities. Parents should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to waste their whole stage in front of the TV or computer. Even in those families where both parents are away at work, parents can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
software programs to limit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
exposure to television and the internet.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay that people should work on relaxing with hobbies or physical exercises than continue to do same work as in workplace. Support with reasons. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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