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Do you agree or disagree that government should pass a law to fine people who use mobile phones when crossing the street v.1

that government should pass a law to fine people who use mobile phones when crossing the street v. 1
While many people believe that the human connection is becoming stronger owing to the development of communication technology and travel industry, I think that as well as the benefits, this trend brings problem. On the positive side, the fast rhythm of life requires people to enhance the efficiency of their work, then have more leisure time. With the advance in telecommunications, people can make inquiries by phone instead of travelling long distances. Internet access allows them to perform various and imperative tasks without leaving their offices. Although employees still have to travel every day for meeting business partners and visiting clients in other cities or even countries, modern transport networks reduce the amount of time they have to spend on commutes. Furthermore, modern means of transport and communication also imply the expansion of people’s social circle. In the past, people’s relationships were limited by physical factors such as geographical distance and low mobility. Nevertheless, one now can travel further and easier thanks to the development of air travel. As the result, people stand more chance to broaden their horizon with cultural diversities and get acquainted with many friends all around the world. One the negative side, telecommunication technology and travel industry are responsible for the upsurge in lifestyle-related problems. Jobs become demanding and require full commitment. Despite the reduction of official working hour, workers actually work longer and even sacrifice their private life. Because fax, emails and other devices are accessible to their colleagues, customers and supervisors at anytime and everywhere, employees have to respond instantly, even when they are having dinner with family and their private room turns into another office apartment. In conclusion, people now enjoy greater well-being, which is reflected in higher quality of work, less travell-related stress and close contact with friends However, we also have to accept the interruption as an unwanted aspect of convenient communication.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the human connection is becoming stronger owing to the development of communication technology and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
industry, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
as well
as the benefits, this trend brings problem.

On the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
side, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
rhythm of life requires
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to enhance the efficiency of their work, then have more leisure time. With the advance in telecommunications,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
inquiries by phone
instead
of travelling long distances. Internet access
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them to perform various and imperative tasks without leaving their offices. Although employees
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
every day for meeting business partners and visiting clients in other cities or even countries, modern transport networks
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the amount of time they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend on commutes.
Furthermore
, modern means of transport and communication
also
imply the expansion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
social circle. In the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
relationships
were limited
by physical factors such as geographical distance and low mobility.
Nevertheless
, one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
further
and easier thanks to the development of air
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
. As the result,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
stand more chance to broaden their horizon with cultural diversities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
acquainted with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
friends all around the world.

One the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side, telecommunication technology and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
industry are responsible for the upsurge in lifestyle-related problems. Jobs become demanding and require full commitment. Despite the reduction of official working hour, workers actually work longer and even sacrifice their private life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
fax, emails and other devices are accessible to their colleagues, customers and supervisors at anytime and everywhere, employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
respond
instantly
, even when they are having dinner with family and their private room turns into another office apartment.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
enjoy greater well-being, which
is reflected
in higher quality of work, less
Possible spelling mistake found.
travell-related
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and close contact with friends
However
, we
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
accept the interruption as an unwanted aspect of convenient communication.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay that government should pass a law to fine people who use mobile phones when crossing the street v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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