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Do you agree or disagree that a celebrity should set a good example for young people? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v.1

that a celebrity should set a good example for young people? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1
A group of people urges to accommodate in a house, whereas quite a few finds the apartments more beneficial. In my opinion, I consider living in a landed home is being associated with a penalty of merits, when compared with demerits linked to it. Admittedly, the villas come up with some drawbacks. Firstly, being expensive makes it non affordable for a few people. Adding further, amenities comes at cost such as security, parking space, etc. , which adds up to the total charge. However, to fulfil the desire to buy a condominium people tend to take heavy bank loans which they end up paying for more than 25-30 years. Secondly, even though independent house has more space, maintenance is another constant factor for which domestic help is hired and consecutively repairs have to be taken into consideration. For instance, in the present era of nuclear families with 3-4 members, where many equipment installed in the building might remains unused but needs to have them repaired each of them to keep the, functional. Consequently, raising the cost. Nevertheless, despite the above shortcoming, I believe, independent residence carries several benefits along with it. Certainly, houses are more spacious and can be designed as preferred by the owner. Furthermore, safety can be taken over by the landlord in terms of the type of material used, assembling household items, decors etc. Additionally, it becomes the landlord’s asset for a lifetime. It results in owners gaining higher capital, when the condominium is sold out. Another fact to consider is, it is safer to live in a landed house, especially when a natural disaster occurs. For example, it is riskier for people who live in a high rise building to survive than those who live in a detached home during an earthquake. Furthermore, an apartment building is owned by a housing estate company and many flat owners live there together. This reduces the freedom for apartment owners. On the contrary, a separate house owner enjoys full freedom and do not have to live with many other families in the same building. In conclusion, staying in a house rather than an apartment would be a better choice in order to live with freedom and safety coupling with livelong asset built.
A group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
urges
Did you mean "accommodating"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'urge' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to accommodate
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
, whereas quite a few finds the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
apartments
more beneficial. In my opinion, I consider living in a landed home is
being associated
with a penalty of merits, when compared with demerits linked to it.

Admittedly
, the villas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks.
Firstly
, being expensive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
non affordable
for a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Adding
further
, amenities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
at cost such as security, parking space, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
up to the total charge.
However
, to fulfil the desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a condominium
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to take heavy bank loans which they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up paying for more than 25-30 years.
Secondly
,
even though
independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
has more space, maintenance is another constant factor for which domestic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
is hired
and
consecutively
repairs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be taken
into consideration.
For instance
, in the present era of nuclear families with 3-4 members, where
Possible agreement error. The noun equipment seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much equipment", "a good deal of equipment".
many equipment
installed in the building might remains unused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
needs to have them repaired each of them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
Did you forget something after 'the'?
the,
functional.
Consequently
, raising the cost.

Nevertheless
, despite the above shortcoming, I believe, independent residence carries several benefits along with it.
Certainly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
houses
are more spacious and can
be designed
as preferred by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owner
.
Furthermore
, safety can
be taken
over by the landlord in terms of the type of material
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
, assembling household items, decors etc.
Additionally
, it becomes the landlord’s asset for a lifetime. It results in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owners
gaining higher capital, when the condominium
is sold
out. Another fact to consider is, it is safer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in a landed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
,
especially
when a natural disaster occurs.
For example
, it is riskier for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in a high rise building to survive than those who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in a detached home during an earthquake.
Furthermore
, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
apartment
building is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
owned
by a housing estate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
flat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owners
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
there together. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the freedom for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
apartment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owners
.
On the contrary
, a separate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owner
enjoys full freedom and do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other families in the same building.

In conclusion
, staying in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
house
rather
than an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
apartment
would be a better choice in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with freedom and safety coupling with livelong asset built.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay that a celebrity should set a good example for young people? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
373 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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