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Do you agree or disagree: Is it as important for older people to study or learn new things as it is for younger people? v.1

: Is it as important for older people to study or learn new things as it is for younger people? v. 1
Although some people believe that the aim of museums is to entertain people and give them joy, others say that museums should be educational. In my opinion, a museum should be both entertaining and educational. On the one hand, it is said that museums should be entertaining. This is because if museums put emphasis on entertainment, many families may be encouraged to spend their free time by going to museums rather than doing a useless activity like watching TV. For example, holding some games in museums can be an effective way to attract visitors, and bring joy to them. However, emphasizing on education can turn museums to a boring place, as a result of which this monotony may put the public off going to exhibitions. On the other hand, others hold the view that museums should be educational. Firstly, because these places should broaden visitors’ horizons about their local culture and history. By following this way, it is highly unlikely for a country’s culture and background to be forgotten as museums act as reminder and help visitors to remember the history and customs of their community. For instance, putting some paintings about the ancestors of a country on display can help local people to remember parts of their history. Secondly, since museums are open to the public of all age groups they should take advantage of this opportunity and educate visitors so as to solve many problems. For instance, environmental issues can be addressed if people are taught how to reuse their stuff. In conclusion. I believe that museums should put emphasis on both entertainment and education, in this way while people can enjoy travelling to exhibitions, they can be provided with useful information.
Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the aim of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
is to entertain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and give them joy, others say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
should be educational. In my opinion, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
should be both entertaining and educational.

On the one hand, it
is said
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
should be entertaining. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
put emphasis on entertainment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families may
be encouraged
to spend their free time by going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
rather
than doing a useless activity like watching TV.
For example
, holding
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
games in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
can be an effective way to attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
, and bring joy to them.
However
, emphasizing on education can turn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
to a boring place,
as a result
of which this monotony may put the public off going to exhibitions.

On the other hand
, others hold the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
should be educational.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these places should broaden
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors’
horizons about their local culture and history. By following this way, it is
highly
unlikely for a country’s culture and background to
be forgotten
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
act as reminder and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
to remember the history and customs of their community.
For instance
, putting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
paintings about the ancestors of a country on display can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to remember parts of their history.
Secondly
, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
are open to the public of all age groups they should take advantage of this opportunity and educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
solve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems.
For instance
, environmental issues can
be addressed
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are taught
how to reuse their stuff.

In conclusion
. I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
should put emphasis on both entertainment and education, in this way while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can enjoy travelling to exhibitions, they can
be provided
with useful information.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay : Is it as important for older people to study or learn new things as it is for younger people? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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