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Do you agree or disagree? The best way to improve the quality of education in a country is to increase the teachers’ salaries. v.5

The best way to improve the quality of education in a country is to increase the teachers’ salaries. v. 5
Nowadays, a great deal of people work from home due to quarantine, which negatively influenced the quality and benefits of working. In my opinion, it always affects negatively to the productivity of working. First of all, because of infection called COVID-19, all private companies, schools, shopping centres and education centres are cancelled almost in all countries. As a result, people started to work from home; teachers educate their pupils on-line, employees set up own home office which includes computer, quiet and convenient place. In my view, online education affects negatively to the effectiveness of acquisition and a number of teachers face challenges to use special programs oriented to conduct lessons, such as ZOOM, Skype and others alike. Moreover, a lot of pupils or workers become a lazy due to quarantine, as an outcome, sedentary lifestyle, which is very hazardous type of illness, is gaining popularity in the contemporary world. Nowadays, more office workers are addicted to their computers, laptops and smartphones, and, excessive sitting  on the computer leads to  visual impairment, I think. Obviously, during quarantine, people are afraid of buying things online despite well service. As a result of this, all online companies do not work or work for very low profit. To conclude, although there exist programs created for online teaching, the effectiveness and quality of acquisition is not as efficient as a real education system. Moreover, with working from home in mind, inactive lifestyle, which results in obesity, diabetes and other diseases alike, among pupils and workers is being started to be a popular these days, I believe.
Nowadays, a great deal of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
from home due to quarantine, which
negatively
influenced the quality and benefits of working. In my opinion, it always affects
negatively
to the productivity of working.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of infection called COVID-19, all private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, schools, shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
and education
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
are cancelled
almost in all countries.
As a result
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
from home; teachers educate their pupils
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
on-line
, employees set up
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
home office which includes computer, quiet and convenient place. In my view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
education affects
negatively
to the effectiveness of acquisition and a number of teachers face challenges to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
special programs oriented to conduct lessons, such as ZOOM, Skype
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
alike.

Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
pupils or workers become a lazy due to quarantine, as an outcome, sedentary lifestyle, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
hazardous type of illness, is gaining popularity in the contemporary world. Nowadays, more office workers
are addicted
to their computers, laptops and smartphones, and, excessive sitting
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
on the computer leads to
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
visual impairment, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
.
Obviously
, during quarantine,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are afraid of buying things
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
despite well service.
As a result
of this, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
low profit.

To conclude
, although there exist programs created for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
teaching, the effectiveness and quality of acquisition is not as efficient as a real education system.
Moreover
, with working from home in mind, inactive lifestyle, which results in obesity, diabetes and other diseases alike, among pupils and workers is being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to be a popular these days, I believe.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay The best way to improve the quality of education in a country is to increase the teachers’ salaries. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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