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Do you agree or disagree? Two people can still become good friends if one of them has more money than the other one does. v.17

Two people can still become good friends if one of them has more money than the other one does. v. 17
There is absolutely no doubt about the health threats consumption of tobacco poses to smokers and passive smokers around them. There are divergent views as to whether the banning of smoking in public places is the right decision or not. While there are some concerns about the health risks consumption of tobacco causes, I disagree that the use in public places should be prohibited. To begin with, a restriction on public consumption of cigarette would have a negative effect on the profitability of the manufacturers and the government. Production as a whole is a capital-intensive business and investors would have put in a lot of money to set up the businesses. The investors deserve a return on their investments. More so, the less profitable these businesses are, the lesser the taxes they are able to pay to the government annually. This is because tobacco is highly taxed in most jurisdictions and a ban on the public consumption would likely reduce its use which would then reduce government revenue from sales tax. In addition, the cost of compliance to new laws is usually very expensive. The government would need to embark on some infrastructural development that would help them with monitoring compliance and successful conviction of offenders. They would probably have to set up a court to attend to cases of noncompliance. These would likely be funded using taxpayers money that could be utilized for more critical aspects of the economy such as education and transportation. In conclusion, although tobacco is considered to be a leading cause of cancer for consumers and people around them, a ban on public consumption would be detrimental to the economy as a whole. Not only would it reduce government revenue, compliance would also come at a huge cost.
There is
absolutely
no doubt about the health threats
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumption
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
poses to smokers and passive smokers around them. There are divergent views
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
the banning of smoking in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
places is the right decision or not. While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
concerns about the health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumption
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
causes, I disagree that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
places should
be prohibited
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, a restriction on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumption
of cigarette would have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on the profitability of the manufacturers and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. Production as a whole is a capital-intensive business and investors would have put in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money to set up the businesses. The investors deserve a return on their investments. More
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, the less profitable these businesses are, the lesser the taxes they are able to pay to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
annually
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
is
highly
taxed in most jurisdictions and a ban on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumption
would likely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
which would then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
revenue from sales tax.

In addition
, the cost of compliance to new laws is
usually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
expensive. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
would need to embark on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
infrastructural development that would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them with monitoring compliance and successful conviction of offenders. They would
probably
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
set up a court to attend to cases of noncompliance. These would likely
be funded
using taxpayers money that could
be utilized
for more critical aspects of the economy such as education and transportation.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
is considered
to be a leading cause of cancer for consumers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around them, a ban on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumption
would be detrimental to the economy as a whole. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
would it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
revenue, compliance would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
at a huge cost.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Two people can still become good friends if one of them has more money than the other one does. v. 17

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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