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Do the dangers derived from the use of chemicals in food production and preservation outweigh the advantages? v.3

Do the dangers derived from the use of chemicals in food production and preservation outweigh the advantages? v. 3
In today's feed industry the use of chemicals has been increased considerably, in the form of additives or preservatives. It is defiantly not a good practise through many think it is. In my opinion, this trend has detrimental effects on people's health. On the one hand, many cuisine items available in the market, which has moderate to high levels of various chemicals to enhance it's tasty and make them more eye catching. Apart from this aspect of the preservation of snack, merely to improve the life and to retain freshness of it, preservatives are added along with the other ingredients. These chemicals are generally a form of antioxidants. Which prevent the bread from getting spoiled early. By these practices the shelf life of cuisine has been increased and thereby reducing wastage of cuisine. On the other hand, the chemicals are mainly also some colours which can infuse carcinogens in the body which lead to a cancer. Many feed dealers claim to have the added minerals and vitamins in their production items, but very less able to produce actual certificates of standards for these products. To illustrate the case, the feed items are wrapped generally in aluminium foil which has proven to be a cause for the Alzheimer's and some skin diseases. To sum up, I'm convinced that, usage of chemical agents in cooking, preservation and improvement are leading to the awful consequences.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's feed industry the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chemicals
has
been increased
considerably
, in the form of additives or preservatives. It is
defiantly
not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
Possible spelling mistake. 'practise' is British English.
practise
through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is. In my opinion, this trend has detrimental effects on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's health.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cuisine items available in the market, which has moderate to high levels of various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chemicals
to enhance it's tasty and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more eye catching. Apart from this aspect of the preservation of snack,
merely
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the life and to retain freshness of it, preservatives are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
along with the other ingredients. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chemicals
are
generally
a form of antioxidants.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the bread from getting spoiled early. By these practices the shelf life of cuisine has
been increased
and thereby reducing wastage of cuisine.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chemicals
are
mainly
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
which can infuse carcinogens in the body which lead to a cancer.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
feed dealers claim to have the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
minerals and vitamins in their production items,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less able to produce actual certificates of standards for these products. To illustrate the case, the feed items
are wrapped
generally
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'aluminium' is British English.
aluminium
foil which has proven to be a cause for the Alzheimer's and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
skin diseases.

To sum up, I'm convinced that, usage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chemical
agents in cooking, preservation and improvement are leading to the awful consequences.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Do the dangers derived from the use of chemicals in food production and preservation outweigh the advantages? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
232 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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