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Do children behave better when they are physical punished or rewarded. Discuss both the views and give your opinion. v.3

Do children behave better when they are physical punished or rewarded. v. 3
It is true that children are either being punished or rewarded to correct their behaviour. These two methods present polar extremes of an action aimed at influencing children. In my opinion, while there are pros and cons for two of them, a good mixture of them could prove to be the best strategy to attain good results. Firstly, some parents prefer punishing their kids, presuming that this type of an action could stimulate the better behaviour. However, constant physical punishments could have a detrimental effect unless coupled with some kind of rewarding. For example, the punitive system in prisons proved to be very ineffective in the attempts to decriminalize former convicts. In other words, any kind of punishment, including the physical one, is very wrong unless there is some sort of rewarding added. Secondly, there is no point to reward children all the time, because rewarding them when they did something wrong, undermines the whole idea of education. Furthermore, a constant rewarding makes children to always expect a return for doing even simple good things. For instance, there were many cases when a child would grow up to a spoiled adult if having always been given presents and money for doing regular things. Hence, a mixture of both rewarding and punishing would be the best option to educate children. In conclusion, both ways should attain a very careful consideration and should depend on the type of behaviour of the young people. A good blend of both a punishment and a reward is the most superior approach to dealing with the younger generation.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are either
being punished
or rewarded to correct their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. These two methods present polar extremes of an action aimed at influencing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In my opinion, while there are pros and cons for two of them, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
mixture of them could prove to be the best strategy to attain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
results.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parents prefer punishing their kids, presuming that this
If 'type' is a classification term, 'an' is not necessary. Use "type of". (The phrases 'kind of' and 'sort of' are informal if they mean 'to some extent'.)
type of an
action could stimulate the better
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
However
, constant physical punishments could have a detrimental effect unless coupled with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rewarding
.
For example
, the punitive system in prisons proved to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
ineffective in the attempts to decriminalize former convicts.
In other words
, any kind of punishment, including the physical one, is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
unless there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rewarding
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
.

Secondly
, there is no point to reward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
all the time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rewarding
them when they did something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
, undermines the whole
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of education.
Furthermore
, a constant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rewarding
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
a return for doing even simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
things.
For instance
, there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases when a child would grow up to a spoiled adult if having always been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
presents and money for doing regular things.
Hence
, a mixture of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rewarding
and punishing would be the best option to educate children.

In conclusion
, both ways should attain a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
careful consideration and should depend on the type of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
blend of both a punishment and a reward is the most superior approach to dealing with the younger generation.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Do children behave better when they are physical punished or rewarded. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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