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Do children behave better when they are physical punished or rewarded. Discuss both the views and give your opinion. v.2

Do children behave better when they are physical punished or rewarded. v. 2
Professional sports are incredibly competitive, so coaches and sports specialists have been attempted to identify all defining factors for an athlete to succeed in this field. Many people believe that willpower is the primary element of winning in sports, while others put their faith in physical strength. Both of the schools of thought hold valid arguments which will be examined in this essay before drawing a personal opinion. First and foremost, physical fitness is the foundation for athletes. All sports are tied with physical ability, even ones that may sound the least related to it like chess and e-sports. Physiques and fitness are the primary factors in selecting and coaching athletes. Take NBA, the biggest basketball league in the world for an example, all the most successful basketball players show great physical dominance and consider it as their major advantage to defeat other players in the league. Without physical strength, the strategies would not be able to be executed nicely and precisely. As a result, a team would lose the game owing to the lack of this necessary factor. However, it is proven that psychological factors associated with physical performance. Strong willpower has been proven so much in competitive sports. The history of the Olympic Games witnessed many sportsmen coming so close to the glory because of mental collapse. Since sports are incredibly competitive, athletes are required to practice diligently daily. In other words, athletes are unlikely to reach their potential with the absence of will power, which enables them to carry out through the hard-working practices. In conclusion, both physical and mental strength plays essential parts in competitive sports. In my opinion, in order to be successful in this field, athletes and coaches need to figure out how to integrate these two winning defining factors.
Professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
incredibly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
coaches and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
specialists have
been attempted
to identify all defining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
for an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athlete
to succeed in this field.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that willpower is the primary element of winning in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, while others put their faith in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
strength. Both of the schools of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
hold valid arguments which will
be examined
in this essay
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
drawing a personal opinion.

First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
fitness is the foundation for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
. All
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are tied
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
ability, even ones that may sound the least related to it like chess and e-sports. Physiques and fitness are the primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
in selecting and coaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
. Take NBA, the biggest basketball league in the world for an example, all the most successful basketball players
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
dominance and consider it as their major advantage to defeat other players in the league. Without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
strength, the strategies would not be able to
be executed
nicely
and
precisely
.
As a result
, a team would lose the game owing to the lack of this necessary factor.

However
, it
is proven
that psychological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
associated with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
performance. Strong willpower has
been proven
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. The history of the Olympic Games witnessed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sportsmen coming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
close to the glory
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of mental collapse. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
incredibly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
are required
to practice
diligently
daily.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
are unlikely to reach their potential with the absence of will power, which enables them to carry out through the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working practices.

In conclusion
, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
and mental strength plays essential parts in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
my opinion, in order to be successful in this field,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
and coaches need to figure out how to integrate these two winning defining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Do children behave better when they are physical punished or rewarded. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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