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Do agree or disagree the extended family(grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past. v.4

Do agree or disagree the extended family(grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past. v. 4
It is a highly debated issue whether or not the extended family members are less important nowadays than before, and this topic can be approached from several angles due to its complexity. Some people tend to think that the extended family isn’t important as before. While others think that they are really important part in everybody lives. Deeply deliberating over the issue, I believe that the extended family is important nowadays as it was before, and the following discussion reveals my stand and reasoning. To begin with, the extended family is important for social interacting. When you have a large family including grandparents, uncles, and cousins, you will always have a social event to attend with your family and you could enjoy families meeting a lot. For instance, when I compare my life when I was a child to my daughter’s life right now, I would find a lot of difference and so many things that are missing in her life right now. She doesn’t know how to interact socially with others mainly because we live her in the United States faraway from our family. My daughter is a six years old and still feel shy when we meet other people, she would hide behind her father and refuse to answer any question. While when I was in her age, I used to play with all kids and never feel shy, I used to be an easy going girl. As you could see, because I grew up with my extended family, I never feel shy and socially I was better than my daughter today. Second, the extended family could give a big support and help to us. So, we need them all the time, we needed them in the past as we needed them nowadays. For example, when I was a kid, my parents were working in a full time job. My mother were depending totally on my grandparents to take care of me. I remember that my grandfather used to take me to the school while my grandmother prepare food and took me to the park after schools. My grandparents really took care of me and they helped my mother a lot. Nowadays, I’m not working and stay home because there is nobody takes care of my daughter beside me. I tried to put her in after school programs but it didn’t work, first of all, it cost me a an arm and leg, also, I needed a lot of times off when my daughter was sick. As you could see, having no family members with you, will make the life so hard to live. In conclusion, I believe that the extended family is important all the time and may be now they are more important than the past because the life become more complicated.
It is a
highly
debated issue
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members are less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nowadays
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, and this topic can
be approached
from several angles due to its complexity.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
isn’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they are
really
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
part in everybody
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Deeply
deliberating over the issue, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nowadays
as it was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, and the following discussion reveals my stand and reasoning.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
for social interacting. When you have a large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
including grandparents, uncles, and cousins, you will always have a social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
to attend with your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and you could enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
meeting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
.
For instance
, when I compare my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
when I was a child to my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
daughter’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, I would find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of difference and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things that are missing in her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. She doesn’t know how to interact
socially
with others
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
her in the United States faraway from our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. My
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
daughter
is a six years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and
still
feel shy when we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, she would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hide
behind her father and refuse to answer any question. While when I was in her age, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to play with all kids and never feel shy, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be an easy going girl. As you could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I grew up with my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, I never feel shy and
socially
I was better than my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
daughter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.

Second, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
could give a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
support and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to us.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, we need them all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, we needed them in the past as we needed them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nowadays
.
For example
, when I was a kid, my parents were working in a full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
job. My mother
The verb 'depending' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
were depending
totally
on my grandparents to take care of me. I remember that my grandfather
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to take me to the school while my grandmother prepare food and took me to the park after schools. My grandparents
really
took care of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
me and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
my mother a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Nowadays
, I’m not working and stay home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is nobody takes care of my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
daughter
beside me. I tried to put her in after school programs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it didn’t work,
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
first of all
, it cost me
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "a" or "an" is left.
a an
arm and leg,
also
, I needed a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
off when my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
daughter
was sick. As you could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, having no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members with you, will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.

In conclusion
, I believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
they are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
than the past
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
become more complicated.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
48Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Do agree or disagree the extended family(grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
466 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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