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Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of playing sports and participating in physical exercises v.1

Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of playing sports and participating in physical exercises v. 1
Our world has been developed very fast and in the most modern way. Because of that, almost all factories and companies or farms around the world apply new technology machines instead of human. These machines have been applied in processing of food, clothes, accessories, cultivation even the most difficult and complex things effectively. This is the best way to achieve the purposes in business, but it also has many disadvantages. On one hand, using machines can help factories solve the manpower shortage issue easily. One of the most important benefits of this trend is the big profits it brings back. For example, we don't have to share too much profits to pay salary for workers and machine will do some work faster than human so we can do more work in the same time. Furthermore, because a high technology machine can work fast and exactly, we can reduce time-consuming too. On the other hand, the price of them is not small. We can say that they are expensive. Although, today it is the newest but after 2 or 3 year, it can be out of trend easily due to the fast development. In addition, if we are tricked, we will get the fake or low quality machines. Sometimes, these machines are out of warranty and broken down so we have to pay an amount of money to get the new one. The bad effect of this trend is making people depend on machines too much. In conclusion, using machines to do work is good but we have to learn how to use it effectively and find the legit store to buy them.
Our world has
been developed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
and in the most modern way.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of that, almost all factories and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
or farms around the world apply new technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
instead
of human. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
have
been applied
in processing of food, clothes, accessories, cultivation even the most difficult and complex things
effectively
. This is the best way to achieve the purposes in business,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disadvantages.

On one hand, using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
factories solve the manpower shortage issue
easily
. One of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
benefits of this trend is the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
profits it brings back.
For example
, we don't
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
share too
Use "many" with countable nouns.
much
profits to pay salary for workers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machine
will do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
faster than human
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we can do more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the same time.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a high technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machine
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
and exactly, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
time-consuming too.

On the other hand
, the price of them is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
. We can say that they are expensive. Although,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
it is the newest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after 2 or 3 year, it can be out of trend
easily
due to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
development.
In addition
, if we
are tricked
, we will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the fake or low quality
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
are out of warranty and broken down
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay an amount of money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the new one. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effect of this trend is making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
depend on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
too much.

In conclusion
, using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
learn how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it
effectively
and find the legit store to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
them.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of playing sports and participating in physical exercises v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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