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Discuss both sides of whether happiness is in having much money or in living with family and relatives far away from money's stress. v.1

Discuss both sides of whether happiness is in having much money or in living with family and relatives far away from money's stress. v.1
For many decades, job applicants are often required to disclose their private information when applying for a vacant job position. While some people debates, it is the responsibility of employers to secure specific information, others are strongly opposed to it. This essay will discuss both of these views, and why I conceive that gathering personal data of applicants such as marital status and hobbies plays a paramount role nowadays. There is a group of people who admits that keeping any personal information leads to violation of "right of privacy" of the applicant. They believe that disclosing such information on a job application form not only violates "right to equality", but also drastically hinders with their percentage of success in obtaining a job. Technology companies, for instance, prefer to give more weightage to bachelor's instead of married people because a non-married person could stay for longer hours in the office with minimal family burden. Furthermore, according to the survey conducted by The Cambridge University, these people could finish the intensify task effectively and more quickly which consequently helps the company achieve their targets. Conversely, others believe, myself included, that collecting different types of personal data when applying for a vacancy with the employer does not only secures the interest of the company but also safeguards the interest of the applicant. For a few companies it is of dire importance to gather such data in order to abide by the legal regulations of the country pertaining to specific job sectors such as armed forces and police. For example, to safeguard the interest of the general public, the majority of government and private organizations restricts the application of the applicant if they do not fill certain personal information such as their interest, marital status and gender. Therefore, for overall protection of the applicants, citizens and laws, it is mandatory for a few jobs to require personal details in the application form. In conclusion, though some people argue that disclosing of private data is against their fundamental rights, but nevertheless, I strongly insist that acquiring such information is not only beneficial for employer's record but also for an applicant, and moreover the country.
For
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
decades,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicants
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
required to disclose their private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
when applying for a vacant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
position. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
debates
, it is the responsibility of employers to secure specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
, others are
strongly
opposed to it. This essay will discuss both of these views, and why I conceive that gathering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicants
such as marital status and hobbies plays a paramount role nowadays.

There is a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who admits that keeping any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
leads to violation of
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
right of privacy
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicant
. They believe that disclosing such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
application form not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
violates
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
right to equality
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
drastically
hinders with their percentage of success in obtaining a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Technology
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
,
for instance
, prefer to give more weightage to bachelor's
instead
of married
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a non-married person could stay for longer hours in the office with minimal family burden.
Furthermore
, according to the survey conducted by The Cambridge University, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could finish
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'intensify' is correct. If 'intensify' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the intensify
task
effectively
and more
quickly
which
consequently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
achieve their targets.

Conversely
, others believe, myself included, that collecting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
when applying for a vacancy with the employer does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
The verb 'does' requires base form of the verb: "secure"
secures
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
safeguards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicant
. For a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
it is of dire importance to gather such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
in order to abide by the legal regulations of the country pertaining to specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
sectors such as armed forces and police.
For example
, to safeguard the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
of the
Consider using "public".
general public
, the majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and private organizations restricts the application of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicant
if they do not fill certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
such as their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
, marital status and gender.
Therefore
, for
overall
protection of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicants
, citizens and laws, it is mandatory for a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
to require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
in the application form.

In conclusion
, though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that disclosing of private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
is against their fundamental rights,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
nevertheless
, I
strongly
insist that acquiring such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
beneficial for employer's record
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicant
, and
moreover
the country.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Discuss both sides of whether happiness is in having much money or in living with family and relatives far away from money's stress. v.1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
359 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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