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the first chart below show how the energy is used in an everage Autralian household. the second show the greenhouse gas emission which result from this energy use. summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons v.1

the first chart below show how the energy is used in an everage Autralian household. the second show the greenhouse gas emission which result from this energy use.
It has been said that people always fail in building up a perfect society. I personally agree with this, however, I also believe that several solutions can be practiced in order to make the world better place. What is an ideal community? From my point of view, there are several aspects which can be considered whether a community is perfect or not. Firstly, it would be an equitable society where has no room for gender inequality, discrimination or the gap between the poor and the rich. It means that all people should have the same chances to access to basic needs such as education and health care systems. Secondly, a dreaming nation must have the sustainable development. In this nation, the government should not only reduce the unemployment rate as much as possible, but also maintain the reasonable cost of living. Beside developing the national economy, protecting and preserving the environment must be taken into consideration in all nations. However, it is too difficult for human meeting these requirements when creating this kind of society. This mainly stems from the people’s selfishness and lack of education. Although most of times people fail in achieving a perfect community, there have several practical measures which can be applied as to make our world better place. As for governments and organizations, they might probably launch campaigns which aim to raise the public awareness of living in harmony with other residents and the nature as well. For example, a famous coffee corporation called Trung Nguyen have been providing a number of books to Vietnamese people, which really make a sense of national pride among the society then encourage them to spread their kindness. Furthermore, each individual must treat to others and the natural world as the way they want to be treated. Additionally, the more law-abiding persons, the better a society will become in the not too distant future. In conclusion, creating an ideal world is a demanding and challenging mission to all nations. It seems to be impossible, but we can contribute to the better progress in human history by some practical ways.
It has
been said
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always fail in building up a perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this,
however
, I
also
believe that several solutions can
be practiced
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
place.

What is an ideal community? From my point of view, there are several aspects which can
be considered
whether a community is perfect or not.
Firstly
, it would be an equitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
where has no room for gender inequality, discrimination or the gap between the poor and the rich. It means that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have the same chances to access to basic needs such as education and health care systems.
Secondly
, a dreaming nation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have the sustainable development. In this nation, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the unemployment rate as much as possible,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
maintain the reasonable cost of living. Beside developing the national economy, protecting and preserving the environment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
into consideration in all nations.

However
, it is too difficult for human meeting these requirements when creating this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. This
mainly
stems from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
selfishness and lack of education. Although
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the times") or simply say "most times".
most of times
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
fail in achieving a perfect community, there have several practical measures which can
be applied
as to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
place. As for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and organizations, they might
probably
launch campaigns which aim to raise the public awareness of living in harmony with other residents and the nature
as well
.
For example
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
coffee corporation called
Possible spelling mistake found.
Trung
Nguyen have been providing a number of books to Vietnamese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a sense of national pride among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
then encourage them to spread their kindness.
Furthermore
, each individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
treat to others and the natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
as the way they want to
be treated
.
Additionally
, the more law-abiding persons, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
will become in the not too distant future.

In conclusion
, creating an ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
is a demanding and challenging mission to all nations. It seems to be impossible,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we can contribute to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
progress in human history by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
practical ways.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay the first chart below show how the energy is used in an everage Autralian household. the second show the greenhouse gas emission which result from this energy use.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
350 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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