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Discuss both sides of having the real source of happiness in money and wealth, or in living with friends and family and so forth. v.1

Discuss both sides of having the real source of happiness in money and wealth, or in living with friends and family and so forth. v.1
There are mixed opinions regarding the role of arts in the society. While few people opine that, creative skills do not help them, and hence governing bodies should not invest in them, others think they play a vital role in their lives. I completely disagree with this idea that, creative skills are useless and not to be invested in, by the authorities. To begin with, the arts are the essential parts of the historical artefacts, which preserve our culture and act as a bridge between the past and the future generations. The role of these creative skills is enormous, and is impossible to ignore. For example, the cave paintings by the early men, are the art form, which has helped create awareness in millennials about the lifestyle and hunting methods during the stone age. Hence, it is a wise act for the authorities, to invest in them for the sake of our future generations. In addition, learning the arts in any form is known to stimulate the minds of the people. As a result, these people are able to perform better in the other areas of their life too. To exemplify this, a recent study by The American University of Neurosciences, has revealed that learning or practicing a musical instrument significantly improves the memory of an individual. This proves that the benefits of the arts are innumerable on any person. However, it is also a governmental responsibility to invest in science and technology. This will ensure that they have better living standards. In other words, they must have the basic amenities to be able to enjoy the other experiences such as, the arts in life. For example, improving the public transport standards requires some investment in scientific research, which in turn helps the people in many ways. In conclusion, although few people opine that the improvement of technology is important to the society, the arts and creative skills should not be ignored at any cost. The arts have immense effect on the history and the personal life of the people. In fact, the governing bodies must invest more in the arts, because of the benefits they provide for the present and the future generations. .
There
are mixed
opinions regarding the role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
in the society. While few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them, and
hence
governing bodies should not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
invest
in them, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they play a vital role in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. I completely disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are useless and not to
be invested
in, by the authorities.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are the essential parts of the historical
Possible spelling mistake. 'artefacts' is British English.
artefacts
, which preserve our culture and act as a bridge between the past and the future generations. The role of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
is enormous, and is impossible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
.
For example
, the cave paintings by the early
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
form, which has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
create awareness in millennials about the lifestyle and hunting methods during the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
stone age
.
Hence
, it is a wise act for the authorities, to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
invest
in them for the sake of our future generations.

In addition
, learning the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
in any form
is known
to stimulate the minds of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
As a result
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are able to perform better in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
areas of their life too. To exemplify this, a recent study by The American University of Neurosciences, has revealed that learning or practicing a musical instrument
significantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
the memory of an individual. This proves that the benefits of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are innumerable on any person.

However
, it is
also
a governmental responsibility to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
invest
in science and technology. This will ensure that they have better living standards. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have the basic amenities to be able to enjoy the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
experiences such as, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
in life.
For example
, improving the public transport standards requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
investment in scientific research, which in turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.

In conclusion
, although few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that the improvement of technology is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to the society, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
at any cost. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
have immense effect on the history and the personal life of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In fact, the governing bodies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
invest
more in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the benefits they provide for the present and the future generations.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Discuss both sides of having the real source of happiness in money and wealth, or in living with friends and family and so forth. v.1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
365 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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