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Developing countries require international organization’s help. Some people prefer financial aid while others think practical aid and advice are better. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Developing countries require international organization’s help. Some people prefer financial aid while others think practical aid and advice are better. v. 1
People have a perception that failure means they are not having the determination and dedication to the work they are performing. I disagree with this viewpoint because desire is not the only reason for becoming unsuccessful instead there are many other causes. Firstly, in business sectors people always want to try to set up one, because they think that this an easiest way to earn money, without working under any employer instead employing many people under them for performing the necessary tasks. However, a person with basic knowledge of business tactics can survive, but others who are clueless about all these will automatically fail. Moreover, this does not mean that their desire was not strong, instead they do not know how to succeed. For example, 2 months ago in my area there was a grand inauguration of a supermarket, which has provided offers to customers who visited the shop on the day of opening. However, from past 1 week this has been shut down, because there were no customers and proper sales of goods. Secondly, a person may not have a proper guidance from their tutors, elders or friends into achieving their goals. Moreover, without proper motivation from the kith and kin people will feel dejected and depressed and they automatically become failures. Similarly, nowadays many have obesity problems which are very common and through exercises, yoga and diet they can reduce all these gradually. However, they always need encouragement into to perform these tasks, but many of them always try to mock these people and make them feel inferior about themselves. In conclusion, failure in a person’s life is due to various objectives, but it does not mean all these are permanent. Indeed, failure means a stepping stone to success and by constant motivation and learning process they can attain success.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have a perception that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
means
they are not having the determination and dedication to the work they are performing. I disagree with this viewpoint
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
desire is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
reason for becoming unsuccessful
instead
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other causes.

Firstly
, in business sectors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
always want to try to set up one,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this
Use "the" with the superlative.
an
easiest way to earn money, without working under any employer
instead
employing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
under them for performing the necessary tasks.
However
, a person with basic knowledge of business tactics can survive,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others who are clueless about all these will
automatically
fail.
Moreover
, this does not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mean
that their desire was not strong,
instead
they do not know how to succeed.
For example
, 2 months ago in my area there was a grand inauguration of a supermarket, which has provided offers to customers who visited the shop on the day of opening.
However
, from past 1 week this has
been shut
down,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there were no customers and proper sales of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
.

Secondly
, a person may not have a proper guidance from their tutors, elders or friends into achieving their goals.
Moreover
, without proper motivation from the kith and kin
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will feel dejected and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
depressed and
they
automatically
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failures
.
Similarly
, nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
have obesity problems which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
common and through exercises, yoga and diet they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
all these
gradually
.
However
, they always need encouragement into to perform these tasks,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them always try to mock these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel inferior about themselves.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failure
in a person’s life is due to various objectives,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it does not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mean
all these are permanent.
Indeed
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
failure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
means
a stepping stone to success and by constant motivation and learning process they can attain success.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay Developing countries require international organization’s help. Some people prefer financial aid while others think practical aid and advice are better. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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