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Developing and buying medicine is expensive and some believe that money would be better spent on preventing disease from arising in the first place. v.1

Developing and buying medicine is expensive and some believe that money would be better spent on preventing disease from arising in the first place. v. 1
It is true that whether money for developing and buying money or preventing people from diseases is a subject of debate. While reasons can be given to justify the latter, I somewhat agree with the former point. On the on hand, there are strong reasons to believe that preventing options not always kept man from suffering illness. Firstly, it is true that there are so much disagreement from doctors, professors, and knowledgeable citizens if the regime limited budget for developing drugs since pathogens and pandemic generally outbreak suddenly. For instance,  smoking is an identified cause of cancer, but choosing not to smoke does not guarantee that you will not develop lung cancer because it still occurs in non-smokers.   On the other hand, others would agree that the money would be better spent on preventing disease from arising in the first place. The first prominent justification is that if we keep looking and finding ways to cure illness, we are more likely to find out methods, which help people to stop them from occurring at the start. For example,  while searching for ways to cure a cold, scientists discovered that an effective way to avoid catching one was frequent hand cleaning, but prior to the science, it was mistakenly believed that avoiding cold air would keep the virus away.   Therefore, it is true that take a great deal of money to develop new medicines, however, those investments lead to more informed methods for keeping people healthy. In conclusion, while there are people who agree that better preventing than cure, it seems that the contrary point is in favour of myself.
It is true that whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for developing and buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
preventing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from diseases is a subject of debate. While reasons can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to justify the latter, I somewhat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former point. On the on hand, there are strong reasons to believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
preventing
options not always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
from suffering illness.
Firstly
, it is true that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much disagreement from doctors, professors, and knowledgeable citizens if the regime limited budget for developing drugs since pathogens and pandemic
generally
 outbreak
suddenly
.
For instance
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
smoking is an identified cause of cancer,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
choosing not to smoke does not guarantee that you will not develop lung cancer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
still
occurs in non-smokers.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
On the other hand
, others would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
would be better spent on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
preventing
disease from arising in the
first
place. The
first
prominent justification is that if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
looking and finding ways to cure illness, we are more likely to find out methods, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
them from occurring at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
.
For example
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
while searching for ways to cure a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
, scientists discovered that an effective way to avoid catching one was frequent hand cleaning,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
prior to the science, it was
mistakenly
believed that avoiding
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
air would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the virus away.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
Therefore
, it is true that take a great deal of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to develop new medicines,
however
, those investments lead to more informed methods for keeping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
healthy.

In conclusion
, while there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
preventing
than cure, it seems that the contrary point is in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of myself.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Developing and buying medicine is expensive and some believe that money would be better spent on preventing disease from arising in the first place. v. 1

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
265 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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