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Despite a large number of gyms, a sedentary lifestyle is gaining popularity in the contemporary world. What problems are associated with this¬? What solutions can you suggest? v.5

Although, there is an increase in the number of gyms, people have become less active day by day in our moushromed world. Development in technology and in other fields create problems related to health, affects activity of people, but fortunately, individuals and government can tackle these issues by co-operating hand in hand. First and foremost, inactive lifestyle can give rise numerous health issues, for instance, obesity and spine diseases. Less active people burns less energy, so this may lead gaining weight. If we look through the statistics of obese people, it will be clear that, majority of them are inactive people. Furthermore, people who live sedentary lifestyle are less motivated and isolated. Because, whereas we do physical activities, happiness hormones are produced in our brain, that makes us happy and motivated. To eradicate this issue, first of all, it should be taken account that, lack of information about physical activities contributes concerns mentioned above. Promoting active lifestyle and educate people would be one of these solutions. In addition, many people refuse going to the gym because of their economic situations. In this case, government could take measures by opening free gyms for people who suffer from poverty. Thus can encourage people to take advantage of free gym, moreover, it can also help people escape from isolation and depression. These problems will remain unsolved, unless governments take essential measures. To sum up, whereas, sedentary lifestyle becomes more popular, number of issues appears to cope with. All these concerns that may endanger our life, can be brought under control by educating people and promoting healthy lifestyle. If government and individuals neglect this problems, it will give rise several unprecedented problems which jeopardize life of all humankind.
Although, there is an increase in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gyms
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
active day by day in our moushromed world. Development in technology and in other fields create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
related to health, affects activity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
fortunately
, individuals and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can tackle these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
by co-operating hand in hand.

First
and foremost, inactive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
can give rise numerous health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
,
for instance
, obesity and spine diseases.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Less
active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
burns
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
energy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
this may lead gaining weight. If we look through the statistics of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, it will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that, majority of them are inactive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
sedentary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
motivated and isolated.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, whereas we do physical activities, happiness hormones
are produced
in our brain, that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
us happy and motivated.

To eradicate this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
,
first
of all, it should
be taken
account that, lack of information about physical activities contributes concerns mentioned above. Promoting active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
and educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would be one of these solutions.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
refuse going to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their economic situations.
In this case
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could take measures by opening free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gyms
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who suffer from poverty.
Thus
can encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to take advantage of free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
,
moreover
, it can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
escape from isolation and depression. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
will remain unsolved, unless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
take essential measures.

To sum up, whereas, sedentary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
becomes more popular, number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
appears to cope with. All these concerns that may endanger our life, can
be brought
under control by educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and promoting healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lifestyle
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and individuals neglect this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, it will give rise several unprecedented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
which jeopardize life of all humankind.
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IELTS essay Despite A Large Number Of Gyms, A Sedentary Lifestyle Is Gaining Popularity In The Contemporary World. What Problems Are Associated With This? What Solutions Can You Suggest?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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