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It is important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent to you agree or disagree? v.1

It is important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. v. 1
Many people have valued the role of local history to schoolchildren over that of world history. In my opinion, I completely disagree with those people as both of them have the same meaning to students. There are a number of reasons why some support to teach hometown’s history. First, by having thorough insights into what happened in the past at one’s locality, students may develop their patriotism. For example, children of primary and secondary schools in my hometown are taught about how their ancestors defended their land against outside intruders and reclaimed sovereignty, and as a result, they are like to take pride in their origin and treasure they have today. Additionally, I think it is not only students’ privilege but also their responsibility to know about their own history to understand hometown’s tradition values and identity. However, I believe that learning about world history shares equal importance just as local one. In the first place, when students accquire more knowledge about the world’s past events, they could be provided with a more well-rounded perspective of life. Indeed, lessons about the World War or Feminism protest again women’s abuse and discrimination, and therefore, they help younger leraners to enhance understanding about aspects of the world. In the second place, by being taught about other countries’ historical backgrounds, it would benefit students in their future career. This means that students accumulate knowledge of this particular field at an early age, which make them possess a golden selling point to work for foreign enterprises, especially those who value company culture like Japan. In conclusion, although many people argue that teaching domestic history for students is more essential than international ones, I believe that they have distinctively equal meanings to children.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have valued the role of local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
to schoolchildren over that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
. In my opinion, I completely disagree with those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
as both of them have the same meaning to students.

There are a number of reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
support to teach hometown’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
.
First
, by having thorough insights into what happened in the past at one’s locality,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may develop their patriotism.
For example
, children of primary and secondary schools in my hometown
are taught
about how their ancestors defended their land against outside intruders and reclaimed sovereignty, and
as a result
, they are like to take pride in their origin and treasure they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
Additionally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
privilege
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their responsibility to know about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
to understand hometown’s tradition values and identity.

However
, I believe that learning about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
shares equal importance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as local one. In the
first
place, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
Possible spelling mistake found.
accquire
more knowledge about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world’s
past
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, they could
be provided
with a more well-rounded perspective of life.
Indeed
, lessons about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
World
War or Feminism protest again women’s abuse and discrimination, and
therefore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
younger
Possible spelling mistake found.
leraners
to enhance understanding about aspects of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. In the second place, by
being taught
about other countries’ historical backgrounds, it would benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in their future career. This means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
accumulate knowledge of this particular field at an early age, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them possess a golden selling point to work for foreign enterprises,
especially
those who value
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
culture like Japan.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that teaching domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
history
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is more essential than international ones, I believe that they have
distinctively
equal meanings to children.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay It is important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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