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Despite a large number of gyms, a sedentary lifestyle is gaining popularity in the contemporary world. What problem are associated with this? What solutions can you suggest? v.2

Despite a large number of gyms, a sedentary lifestyle is gaining popularity in the contemporary world. What problem are associated with this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 2
Undoubtedly, nowadays a sedentary behavior is becoming more and more popular despite the establishment of a number of gyms and other fitness institutions. This has led to the decline of health and fitness of numerous people. This essay will briefly discuss the main problems associated with this epidemic and provide some solutions to counter these problems. To begin with,  lifestyle without physical exercises may result in higher risk of gaining diabetes or obesity problems early in life.  This is because people are usually busy with their work and they also rarely do the exercises, so their calories are burnt fewer and fewer which leads to easily gain weight. Besides, experts show that problems with backbone often result from a sedentary lifestyle. People who do not exercise are at risk of osteoporosis and cartilage fracture. For National Institutes of Health in America, exercise promotes the deposition of mineral salt, produces collagen and calcitonin, a hormone that inhibits bone loss. So, people’s bone is a solider and solider. Furthermore, a person loses muscle tissue and curves spine, developing numerous spinal diseases because of constant sitting. However, these difficulties can easily be dealt with taking a few measures. Firstly, more and more people should be encouraged in walking and cycling to work instead of using cars. So, it is an effective way to make people more active. Secondly, gyms should be made in the companies with adequate facilities. It can encourage their staffs to start physical activities, especially for those whose works are very busy and they do not have much time to walk or cycle. As a result, they have become more active towards their work. Perhaps, this is the best way which avoids the hazards of unhealthy living is to obtain a regular dose of physical activity. Therefore, promoting gyms and regular exercising would increase the level of activity. To conclude, a sedentary lifestyle caused many healthy problems, including diabetes or obesity and backbone issues (osteoporosis and bone fracture). Thus, encouraging physical activities are the best solutions which help us increase our health and prevent us from disease.
Undoubtedly
, nowadays a sedentary behavior is becoming more and more popular despite the establishment of a number of gyms and other fitness institutions. This has led to the decline of health and fitness of numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This essay will
briefly
discuss the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
associated with this epidemic and provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions to counter these problems.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
lifestyle without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
may result in higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of gaining diabetes or obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
early in life.  This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
usually
busy with their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
work and
they
also
rarely do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercises
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their calories
are burnt
fewer and fewer which leads to
easily
gain weight.
Besides
, experts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
with backbone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
result from a sedentary lifestyle.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
are at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of osteoporosis and cartilage fracture. For National Institutes of Health in America,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
promotes the deposition of mineral salt, produces collagen and
Possible spelling mistake found.
calcitonin
, a hormone that inhibits bone loss.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
bone is a solider and solider.
Furthermore
, a person loses muscle tissue and curves spine, developing numerous spinal diseases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of constant sitting.

However
, these difficulties can
easily
be dealt
with taking a few measures.
Firstly
, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be encouraged
in walking and cycling to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
instead
of using cars.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is an effective way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more active.
Secondly
, gyms should
be made
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
with adequate facilities. It can encourage their staffs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities,
especially
for those whose works are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
busy and
they do not have much time to walk or cycle.
As a result
, they have become more active towards their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. Perhaps, this is the best way which avoids the hazards of unhealthy living is to obtain a regular dose of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity.
Therefore
, promoting gyms and regular exercising would increase the level of activity.

To conclude
, a sedentary lifestyle caused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, including diabetes or obesity and backbone issues (osteoporosis and bone fracture).
Thus
, encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities are the best solutions which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us increase our health and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
us from disease.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Despite a large number of gyms, a sedentary lifestyle is gaining popularity in the contemporary world. What problem are associated with this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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