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Describe an occasion or event when you were congratulated. Please say- What was the occasion? - When was it? - Who was congratulating you? - How did this make you feel? v.1

Describe an occasion or event when you were congratulated. Please say- What was the occasion? - When was it? - Who was congratulating you? - How did this make you feel? v. 1
People have different views about what and how society can be ideal. I think there are some significant factors that lead to the perfection of society, and people need to act to build an ideal society. A perfect society can be associated with various elements. Firstly, a standard society is where all people have access to relevant education in order to seek for a good job that suits them most. Because education gives people knowledge and skills, those with qualifications are more likely to work easily. This helps to decrease the unemployment rate and contributes to a wealthier society. Secondly, people’s health should be one of the top priorities of both governments and citizens. Since science and technology are well-developed in this modern world, it is possible for people to come up with new remedies for uncured diseases. Additionally, a place where homeless people are provided with accommodation and underprivileged children have opportunities to go to school normally is worth looking for. However, feasible measures need to be taken to make an ideal society become more realistic. The government can run several campaigns to raise public awareness about the importance of education. For instance, many educational talks aimed at students studying at school by motivational speakers are held annually by the local council, which can encourage and keep youngsters motivated to pursue their chosen career path. Besides, individuals are responsible for paying enough taxes to the governments. This allows the authorities to spend money on key sectors such as education, healthcare, public transport and infrastructure. New and strict laws also need to be introduced by the bodies to control offenders who are threatened to threatened to residents’ lives, ones that commit crimes should be heavily fined to deter others. In conclusion, I believe that an ideal society can be gained if both governments and individuals put much their effort together in creating a greater life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views about what and how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
can be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideal
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
significant factors that lead to the perfection of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to act to build an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideal
society.

A perfect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
can
be associated
with various elements.
Firstly
, a standard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is where all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have access to relevant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in order to seek for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
job that suits them most.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, those with qualifications are more likely to work
easily
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to decrease the unemployment rate and contributes to a wealthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health should be one of the top priorities of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
and citizens. Since science and technology are well-developed in this modern world, it is possible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with new remedies for uncured diseases.
Additionally
, a place where homeless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are provided
with accommodation and underprivileged children have opportunities to go to school
normally
is worth looking for.

However
, feasible measures need to
be taken
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
become more realistic. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can run several campaigns to raise public awareness about the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
educational talks aimed at students studying at school by motivational speakers
are held
annually
by the local council, which can encourage and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
youngsters motivated to pursue their chosen career path.
Besides
, individuals are responsible for paying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
taxes to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
the authorities to spend money on key sectors such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, healthcare, public transport and infrastructure. New and strict laws
also
need to
be introduced
by the bodies to control offenders who are
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "threatened to".
threatened to threatened to
residents’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, ones that commit crimes should be
heavily
fined to deter others.

In conclusion
, I believe that an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
can
be gained
if both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
and individuals put much their effort together in creating a greater life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Describe an occasion or event when you were congratulated. Please say- What was the occasion? - When was it? - Who was congratulating you? - How did this make you feel? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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