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Some people think placing advertisements in schools is a great resource for public schools that need additional funding, but others think it exploits children by treating them as a captive audience for corporate sponsors. v.1

Some people think placing advertisements in schools is a great resource for public schools that need additional funding, but others think it exploits children by treating them as a captive audience for corporate sponsors. v. 1
It is a true fact to consider that in the present day society, the advertisement has become most popular media resource in the competitive market. Considering this, there are some analysts who hold an opinion that the public schools are better places to advertise to increase the funds for the schools, while others consider that it will cause to children to be exploited it will make them as captive audiences. That essay will assertion both side of the contentions before deducing a reasonable conclusion. There are many people who speak not to place advertisements to increase funds in public schools. First and foremost, distracted juveniles could be a significant factor. It is generally seen that when companies place the huge colourful advertisement in school, children would more focus in advertisement and they would put less concentrate on studies. For instance, the majority of the businesses are placing advertisements in schools to focus more students’ attraction for their products. Therefore, if pupils do not have enough money to fulfil their requirements, they might get involved in some sort of criminals activities. It is natural that if a billboard advertisement focuses on presenting luxury items, poor students whose parents cannot afford them would feel deprived. There are some groups who are in favour of placing advertisements to increase fund in public schools in spite of views discussed above regarding not to placing advertisements in public school. An increasing number of facilities could be a substantial reason behind the opponent's viewpoint. Nowadays, businesses spent thousands of dollars for reaching their competitive market. Therefore, if they can place advertisements in the right place they would spend more than usual, for example, sponsoring for new buildings and equipment. In last, undoubtedly, whether placing advertisements in public school or not is always a matter of discussion; however, as far as I am concerned, advertisements should be banned in the school environment and we should make better and serene environment for kids in schools.
It is a true fact to consider that in the present day society, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
has become most popular media resource in the competitive market. Considering this, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
analysts who hold an opinion that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
to advertise to increase the funds for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, while others consider that it will cause to children to
be exploited
it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them as captive audiences. That essay will assertion both side of the contentions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
deducing a reasonable conclusion.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who speak not to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
to increase funds in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
First
and foremost, distracted juveniles could be a significant factor. It is
generally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
the huge
Possible spelling mistake. 'colourful' is British English.
colourful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, children would more
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "focus".
focus in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
advertisement and
they would put less concentrate on studies.
For instance
, the majority of the businesses are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
placing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to focus more students’ attraction for their products.
Therefore
, if pupils do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to fulfil their requirements, they might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of criminals activities. It is natural that if a billboard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
focuses on presenting luxury items, poor students whose parents cannot afford them would feel deprived.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
groups who are in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
placing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
to increase fund in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
views discussed above regarding not to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
placing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. An increasing number of facilities could be a substantial reason behind the opponent's viewpoint. Nowadays, businesses spent thousands of dollars for reaching their competitive market.
Therefore
, if they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
in the right
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
they would spend more than usual,
for example
, sponsoring for new buildings and equipment.

In last,
undoubtedly
, whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
placing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
or not is always a matter of discussion;
however
, as far as I
am concerned
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
should
be banned
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
environment and
we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
better and serene environment for kids in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
35Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think placing advertisements in schools is a great resource for public schools that need additional funding, but others think it exploits children by treating them as a captive audience for corporate sponsors. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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