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Currently, many people fail to balance work with other parts of life. What are the problems and solutions? v.2

Currently, many people fail to balance work with other parts of life. What are the problems and solutions? v. 2
It is true that many people are becoming unbalanced between work and others of life. This affairs will be discussed in this essay, and there are a range of measures to deal with it. As a result of busy working schedules, it might will cause some problems for personal as well as family. In term of personal, have a severe impact on people’ health and productivity. For instance, people who spend longer at work are more likely to suffer from various health issues like anxiety disorders or even stroke. At the family level, busy working schedules prevent people taking care frequently their family or even usually absent in meals together. Relationships among members become gradually weakness if they cannot make time for each other. For example, my aunts divorced her husband because she have not time for taking care her family, and that is a consequence of devoting time on working. In my views, time management skills should be taught in school, even becoming compulsory major. It offers people have ability to handle overload-work as well as how to balance work with other activities in life. Furthermore, working hours should be restricted by an average of eight hours per day. Government have the power to introduce law which could limit spending time on working. For example, in Vietnam has imposed law labor to curb working hours of employees, just eight hours per day. In conclusion, unbalance work with others of life cause possibly serious issues for people. Thus, government combine with individuals could certainly implement various steps to tackle this problem.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming unbalanced between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
of life.
Did you mean "these"?
This
affairs will
be discussed
in this essay, and there are a range of measures to deal with it.

As a result
of busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
schedules, it
Two modal verbs connected. Did you mean: "might, will", "might" or "will"?
might will
cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems for personal
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. In term of personal, have a severe impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’
health and productivity.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who spend longer at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
are more likely to suffer from various health issues like anxiety disorders or even stroke. At the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
level, busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
schedules
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
taking care
frequently
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
or even
usually
absent in meals together. Relationships among members become
gradually
weakness if they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
.
For example
, my aunts divorced her husband
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she
The pronoun 'she' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "has", "had".
have
not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for taking care her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, and
that is
a consequence of devoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on working.

In my views,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
should
be taught
in school, even becoming compulsory major. It offers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have ability to handle overload-work
as well
as how to balance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
activities in life.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
should
be restricted
by an average of eight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per day.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "has".
have
the power to introduce law which could limit spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
.
For example
, in Vietnam has imposed law labor to curb
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of employees,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
eight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per day.

In conclusion
, unbalance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with others of life cause
possibly
serious issues for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
combine with individuals could
certainly
implement various steps to tackle this problem.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Currently, many people fail to balance work with other parts of life. What are the problems and solutions? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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