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Currently, many people fail to balance work with other parts of life. What are the problems and solutions? v.1

Currently, many people fail to balance work with other parts of life. What are the problems and solutions? v. 1
It is often said that the youth of today should frequently engage in cultural activities such as music and theatre rather than sport. Personally, I partially agree with this view, as now will be discussed. On the one hand, I agree that participation of today’s youth in cultural activities can be seen as beneficial for their mental health. Cultural engagement may give many young people an effective way to take their mind off stressful situations. Thus, it could help their chances of stress and anxiety reduction. In addition, they are likely to experience an intense feeling of relaxation and happiness that comes after participating in a cultural activity. Watching a play at the theater, for example, may allow young audience to ease their mind as they often get so involved in it that they tend to forget about all the problems they are currently faced with and see how the story unfold, which could leave them feeling relaxed afterwards. (In my view, it is necessary for young people to take part in cultural activities since this could benefit their mind) Nevertheless, I believe that regular sport participation is more important to the youth than cultural engagement for several reasons. Firstly, playing sports could be advantageous to young people’s physical health since it could allow them to stay in shape and have more energy to work or study. Physically active people may stand a good chance of controlling their weight. Thus, they would be able to prevent themselves from some life-threatening diseases, namely heart disease, obesity, diabetes, stroke, and high blood pressure. Secondly, involvement in sport could enable many young people to maintain healthy relationships in their lives. Thanks to the relationships, they would manage to combat stress, overcome loneliness, build their career, improve their job performance or academic results, and so on. For instance, by playing a football game together frequently, office workers could build and develop stronger work relationships with their colleagues to make their job more enjoyable and productive. In conclusion, while cultural engagement is necessary for young people’s mental health, I am convinced that they should take part in sports activities for the sake of physical health and relationships.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
said that the youth of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
should
frequently
engage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as music and
Possible spelling mistake. 'theatre' is British English.
theatre
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
.
Personally
, I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
will
be discussed
.

On the one hand, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that participation of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s youth in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as beneficial for their mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cultural
engagement may give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
an effective way to take their mind off stressful situations.
Thus
, it could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their chances of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and anxiety reduction.
In addition
, they are likely to experience an intense feeling of relaxation and happiness that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
after participating in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
. Watching a play at the theater,
for example
, may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
audience to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
their mind as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
involved in it that they tend to forget about all the problems they are
currently
faced with and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
how the story unfold, which could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
them feeling relaxed afterwards. (In my view, it is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
since this could benefit their mind)

Nevertheless
, I believe that regular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
participation is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to the youth than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
engagement for several reasons.
Firstly
, playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
could be advantageous to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
since it could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to stay in shape and have more energy to work or study.
Physically
active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may stand a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
chance of controlling their weight.
Thus
, they would be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
themselves from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
life-threatening diseases,
namely
heart disease, obesity, diabetes, stroke, and high blood pressure.
Secondly
, involvement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
could enable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to maintain healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Thanks to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
, they would manage to combat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, overcome loneliness, build their career,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their job performance or academic results, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
For instance
, by playing a football game together
frequently
, office workers could build and develop stronger work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
with their colleagues to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their job more enjoyable and productive.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
engagement is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, I
am convinced
that they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
for the sake of physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
relationships
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A man who knows two languages is worth two men.
French Proverb

IELTS essay Currently, many people fail to balance work with other parts of life. What are the problems and solutions? v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
362 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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