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Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.4

Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. v. 4
Experts throughout both the developing and developed worlds have debated the economic successfulness of countries with long working periods in average. Some believe prolonged commitment to work is regarded the norm of wealthy economies, personally I strongly disagree. There is ample evidence that economic prosperity of any nation can be tumbled if their citizens well being is compromised due to long and stressful workdays. The central reason behind this is twofold, firstly if people sacrifice their health by working longer hours, they will eventually become a financial burden to the health care system. Secondly, the productivity of workers gets affected, which is directly proportional to the overall development of a country. For example, recent empirical research by the UK Government demonstrated that 65% of high-earning individuals who worked more than 60 hours per week showed symptoms of burnout and had to finish their professional career within 15 years because of health issues. Therefore, it is conclusively clear that promoting an all-consuming career can be detrimental to individuals and the progress of domestic economic situation Although there is a case of additional income from working long hours benefiting financial situation, the impact of this loss of time for personal or family needs cannot be overstated. This is largely because people may struggle to take their time off for raising children. Because of long work hours, some employees will not find time for a relationship or family at all and remain single, which can for example be observed in Japan. Consistent with this line of thinking is that birth rates are likely to fall, as well as the economic potential of the workforce in the future. Thus, it is possible to state beyond doubt that low birth rate might leave a society with an aging population and result in high immaterial and material cost to the country. From the arguments and examples given I firmly believe that the negative effects of long work hours are a burden to economy whereas advantages exists only short-term.
Experts throughout both the developing and developed worlds have debated the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
successfulness of countries with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
working periods in average.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe prolonged commitment to work
is regarded
the norm of wealthy economies,
personally
I
strongly
disagree.

There is ample evidence that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
prosperity of any nation can
be tumbled
if their citizens
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
is compromised
due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
and stressful workdays. The central reason behind this is twofold,
firstly
if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
sacrifice their health by working longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, they will
eventually
become a financial burden to the health care system.
Secondly
, the productivity of workers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
, which is
directly
proportional to the
overall
development of a country.
For example
, recent empirical research by the UK
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
demonstrated that 65% of high-earning individuals who worked more than 60
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per week
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
symptoms of burnout and had to finish their professional career within 15 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of health issues.
Therefore
, it is
conclusively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that promoting an all-consuming career can be detrimental to individuals and the progress of domestic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
situation

Although there is a case of additional income from working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
benefiting financial situation, the impact of this loss of time for personal or family needs cannot
be overstated
. This is
largely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may struggle to take their time off for raising children.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
employees will not find time for a relationship or family at all and remain single, which can
for example
be observed
in Japan. Consistent with this line of thinking is that birth rates are likely to fall,
as well
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
potential of the workforce in the future.
Thus
, it is possible to state beyond doubt that low birth rate might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
a society with an aging population and result in high immaterial and material cost to the country.

From the arguments and examples
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
I
firmly
believe that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
are a burden to economy whereas advantages exists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
short-term.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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