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Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. v. 2
It is argued that countries with long average working time are more likely to be richer than those which do not work for long hours arduously. From my perspective, I'm not convinced by this statement, because it really depends on what type the country is, and also the average working time may be influenced by the peak value in a country. First of all, the history and degree of development of a country should be taken into consideration. Some developed countries like countries in Northern Europe where people are living a laid-back life and do not work strenuously are richer than developing countries like Korea. Because they have finished the accumulation of wealth in the past, which means they have already past the stage of earning more money and build up the fortune, to the point that they become a civilized welfare society now. Another notable point is, speaking of 'long average working time', a country's average working hours is determined by working hours in different regions within the country. In other words, the average working hours of some poor/rural/less urbanized countries could be more likely to be less than that of the metropolises. One clear example is the US, where people in the rural areas (which accounted for a large portion in terms of population) in the south are living a leisure, rural life while those in metropolises like New York are busy working day to day. The short average working time in the US may, therefore, be lessened by the low values of the rural areas with a large population, whereas as everyone knows the US is an economically successful country. Therefore, it is not objective and fair to attribute economic success to an average working time. In conclusion, it is impartial to ascribe a nation's economic success or prosperity to average working time. There is no direct link between the two, due to many factors like the degree of development and the factors contributing to the AVERAGE value.
It
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
with long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
are more likely to be richer than those which do not work for long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
arduously
. From my perspective, I'm not convinced by this statement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
really
depends on what type the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is, and
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
may
be influenced
by the peak value in a country.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the history and degree of development of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
should
be taken
into consideration.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
in Northern Europe where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are living a laid-back life and do not work
strenuously
are richer than developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like Korea.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they have finished the accumulation of wealth in the past, which means they have already past the stage of earning more money and build up the fortune, to the point that they become a civilized welfare society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

Another notable point is, speaking of 'long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
time', a country's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
is determined
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
regions within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
In other words
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
poor/rural/less urbanized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
could be more likely to be less than that of the metropolises. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
example is the US, where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the rural areas (which accounted for a large portion in terms of population) in the south are living a leisure, rural life while those in metropolises like New York are busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
day to day. The short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in the US may,
therefore
,
be lessened
by the low values of the rural areas with a large population, whereas as everyone knows the US is an
economically
successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Therefore
, it is not objective and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
to attribute economic success to an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
time.

In conclusion
, it is impartial to ascribe a nation's economic success or prosperity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. There is no direct link between the two, due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors like the degree of development and the factors contributing to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
AVERAGE
value.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful than those countries which do not have a long working time. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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