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Countries spends large amount of money on sports competions. Do you think the advantades outweight the disadvantages. v.1

Countries spends large amount of money on sports competions. Do you think the advantades outweight the disadvantages. v. 1
I It is often argued that billions of dollars have involved in games like football, cricket and, rugby. Therefore, salaries of sportsperson have also increased significantly, which is a way of advertisement for companies who are sponsors of the game. I believe that this initiative is undoubtedly a positive step and will benefit for sports and sport-related people because it will increase sports viewership and make players financially secure. To begin with, the invention of sponsored sports leagues like, cricket big bash and Indian super league of football have tremendously attracted the viewer, particularly youngsters, and now people are waiting every year for these two weeks. In some countries, the final day of games celebrates like a festival. Therefore, they are responsible for generating a large sum of revenue. For example, In Lahore, the last day of Pakistan premier league’s cricket match, all tickets were completely sold out within few hours of start selling, despite significant security threat warnings. Furthermore, monetary involvement enables players more financially stable. In many developing countries, players are still thriving and underpaid. Therefore, it becomes difficult for them to maintain their health and fitness. That, why this initiative helps them to focus on proper diet and exercise, which makes them fit and will be able to give their best performance in the game. For Instance, the Indian super football league has created and promoted the players from a grassroots level, who went behind the veil due to insufficient assistance from their Government. This league enabled them to compete with world-class players. In conclusion, although companies are investing their money in sports as the business and raise the salaries of players for their advertisement but, I think it is an excellent way to promote the sport and help to secure the players future.
I

It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that billions of dollars have involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
like football, cricket and, rugby.
Therefore
, salaries of sportsperson have
also
increased
significantly
, which is a way of advertisement for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
who are sponsors of the game. I believe that this initiative is
undoubtedly
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
step and will benefit for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and sport-related
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
viewership and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
financially
secure.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the invention of sponsored
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leagues
like, cricket
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
bash and Indian super
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
league
of football have
tremendously
attracted the viewer,
particularly
youngsters, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are waiting every year for these two weeks. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, the final day of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
celebrates like a festival.
Therefore
, they are responsible for generating a large sum of revenue.
For example
, In Lahore, the last day of Pakistan premier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
league’s
cricket match, all tickets were completely sold out within few hours of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
selling, despite significant security threat warnings.

Furthermore
, monetary involvement enables
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
more
financially
stable. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
are
still
thriving and underpaid.
Therefore
, it becomes difficult for them to maintain their health and fitness. That, why this initiative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to focus on proper diet and exercise, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them fit and will be able to give their best performance in the game.
For Instance
, the Indian super football
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
league
has created and promoted the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
from a grassroots level, who went behind the veil due to insufficient assistance from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
league
enabled them to compete with world-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
players.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are investing their money in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as the business and raise the salaries of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
for their advertisement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is an excellent way to promote the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to secure the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
future.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Countries spends large amount of money on sports competions. Do you think the advantades outweight the disadvantages. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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