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Consumption of the world's resources (such as oil, fresh water, etc) is increasing at a dangerously fast rate. What are the causes of this increased consumption? What can people do to reduce it? v.1

Consumption of the world's resources (such as oil, fresh water, etc) is increasing at a dangerously fast rate. What are the causes of this increased consumption? What can people do to reduce it? v. 1
In this global era, it is commonly recognized that the remarkable improvement of human's living standard because of the the advancement of technology. However, the advanced science and technology are contributed to the depletion of natural resources as we can see the resources are being consumed at an alarming rate. Hence, it is important for us to discuss the consumption causes and its solution. First of all, the world population is growing, and demand is growing with it, but there have not enough resources to support the rapidly growing population. Although humanity uses 50% of the world's fresh water currently, 80% of the fresh water will have been consumed in 40 years. It is real data indicates that if people do not use water resources properly, we will suffer the water shortage sooner. In addition, the mineral and oil reserves are fast depleting because of being the energy of transportation. In order to personal desire, human beings are over-exploiting their own planet and have not think that pollution is having an adverse effects on the world's resources. On the other hand, recycling is the effective method to reduce the destruction towards environment. Every individuals have the ability to classify some waste materials such as paper, can and glass, it is easy for related department to conduct the process of reuse. It is essential for mankind to make a right choice to recycle, reduce the energy consumption and purchase only environmental friendly products. Sustainable green sources of energy also should be promoted by the government, due to accelerate the issue of protecting our resources. In conclusion, every public must cooperate and pay effort to protect the natural resources. Before we buy the products that maybe can be harmful to the environment, we should think that whether it is necessary for us or can be replaced by substitute.
In this global era, it is
commonly
recognized that the remarkable improvement of human's living standard
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
advancement of technology.
However
, the advanced science and technology
are contributed
to the depletion of natural resources as we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the resources are
being consumed
at an alarming rate.
Hence
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for us to discuss the consumption causes and its solution.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the world population is growing, and demand is growing with it,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there have not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
resources to support the
rapidly
growing population. Although humanity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
50% of the world's fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
currently
, 80% of the fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
will have
been consumed
in 40 years. It is real data indicates that if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
resources
properly
, we will suffer the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
shortage sooner.
In addition
, the mineral and oil reserves are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
depleting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of being the energy of transportation. In order to personal desire, human beings are over-exploiting their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
planet and have not
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "thought".
think
that pollution is having an adverse
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "effect"?
effects
on the world's resources.

On the other hand
, recycling is the effective method to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the destruction towards environment.
'Each', 'every', 'either' and 'neither' are used with singular. Did you mean "all"?
Every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "individual"?
individuals
have the ability to classify
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
waste materials such as paper, can and glass, it is easy for related department to conduct the process of reuse. It is essential for mankind to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a right choice to recycle,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the energy consumption and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
environmental friendly products. Sustainable green sources of energy
also
should
be promoted
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, due to accelerate the issue of protecting our resources.

In conclusion
, every public
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
cooperate and pay effort to protect the natural resources.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the products that maybe can be harmful to the environment, we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that whether it is necessary for us or can
be replaced
by substitute.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Consumption of the world's resources (such as oil, fresh water, etc) is increasing at a dangerously fast rate. What are the causes of this increased consumption? What can people do to reduce it? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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