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Computers becoming an essential part of school lessons. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your opinion. v.2

Computers becoming an essential part of school lessons. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your opinion. v. 2
Nowdays, with the advance technology our life become more easy and comfortable. If we think life is impossible without this technology. But, today the topic asserts that computers become a important part of school education. Now, I am going to examine some possible points with the following paragraph and shape up my opinion by end. Yes, it is true, computers are becoming an essential part of school lessons but why? There number of answers related to this topic. First of all, in this modernisation era, computers is used in every sector. So that, it is very beneficial for the students for further development. Moreover, students can easily get the knowledge through this technology and polished himself from the computer and they also get the general knowledge as well as sharp our mind due to the games like as; KBC, puzzle etc. Take for instance, kaun banega crorepati is famous game in my country, which is hosted by famous personality amitab bachan at tge national platform and the participants selected in this game at the higher general level, who has collection of information all about the word. Besides, if they become proffesional in this field then they have countless opportunities as well as high salary packages. Furthermore, there are some drawbacks of usage of computer. Due to using computers, it cause several health problems; such as eye sight, lazy and so on. Apart from that, today the the youngsters don' t like to perform any physical activity, mostly they like to play indoor games on the computer, so that, it is harmful for them for body growth. For example, recent research suggests that more than half quarter people are chatting on Facebook and whatsApp and other social sites, so they are not active regarding their health issues. To sum up, after discuss the whole problems, I still believe that technology beneficial for us, if we use it with own limits.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nowdays
, with the advance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
our life become more easy and comfortable.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
life is impossible without this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
the topic asserts that computers become
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of school education.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, I am going to examine
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible points with the following paragraph and shape up my opinion by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
.

Yes, it is true, computers are becoming an essential part of school lessons
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
why? There number of answers related to this topic.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in this
Possible spelling mistake. 'modernisation' is British English.
modernisation
era, computers is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in every sector.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial for the students for
further
development.
Moreover
, students can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the knowledge through this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
and polished himself from the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
computer and
they
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the general knowledge
as well
as sharp our mind due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
like as;
Possible spelling mistake found.
KBC
, puzzle etc. Take
for instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
kaun
Possible spelling mistake found.
banega
Possible spelling mistake found.
crorepati
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
game in my country, which
is hosted
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
personality
Possible spelling mistake found.
amitab
Possible spelling mistake found.
bachan
at
Possible spelling mistake found.
tge
national platform and the participants selected in this game at the higher general level, who has collection of information all about the word.
Besides
, if they become
Possible spelling mistake found.
proffesional
in this field then they have countless opportunities
as well
as high salary packages.

Furthermore
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks of usage of computer. Due to using computers, it
Did you mean "causes"?
cause
several health problems; such as
This word is usually spelt together: "eyesight".
eye sight
, lazy and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Apart from that,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
youngsters
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t like to perform any physical activity,
mostly
they like to play indoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on the computer,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that, it is harmful for them for body growth.
For example
, recent research suggests that more than half quarter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are chatting on Facebook and
Possible spelling mistake found.
whatsApp
and other social sites,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they are not active regarding their health issues.

To sum up, after discuss the whole problems, I
still
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
beneficial for us, if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
limits.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
19Mistakes

IELTS essay Computers becoming an essential part of school lessons. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your opinion. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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