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Computers are becoming an essential part of school lessons. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your own opinion. v.1

Computers are becoming an essential part of school lessons. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your own opinion. v. 1
Since ancient times, technology has been driving the human growth story. Nowadays, the computers are doing to everything, right from cleaning the floor to assembling the cars, they are playing huge role in the life of the general public. To train the kids, many schools started teaching the children about computers as part of their academics. In my opinion, it is the only way forward and all the schools should be encouraged to teach the technology. One of the main benefits of teaching kids about the computers is innovation. Today’s world is technology driven and most of the future jobs will be skill based. Teaching the next generation at the right age will drive future inventions in the field of science and technology. Abstracting them from the computers at school does no good to anyone. For example, people who were born in 1980’s and 1990’s can handle the technology well when compared to the people from 60’s and 70’s. It is because the younger ones are trained on computing in schools and universities. There are couple of downsides to this strategy, due to the excess time being spent on computers and less time interacting with others, kids might feel isolated and less confident. There are many instances where the children spend most of their time on mobile devices rather than on a playground. Because of which the obesity has become a major issue at the minor age. For example, many studies proved that the average weight of the youth is increasing in the developed countries due to physical inactivity. One of the main reasons is technology addiction. To conclude, in my opinion, computers must be part of the academia because they have become intricate part of human life. Avoiding or delaying is not going to serve any purpose and of course, the side effects should be taken in to account while designing the curriculum.
Since ancient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
has been driving the human growth story. Nowadays, the computers are doing to everything, right from cleaning the floor to assembling the cars, they are playing huge role in the life of the
Consider using "public".
general public
. To train the kids,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
teaching the children about computers as part of their academics. In my opinion, it is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way forward and all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should
be encouraged
to teach the technology.

One of the main benefits of teaching kids about the computers is innovation.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
’s world is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
driven and most of the future jobs will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
based. Teaching the
next
generation at the right age will drive future inventions in the field of science and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. Abstracting them from the computers at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
does no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to anyone.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
were born
The article is probably missing here: "in the 1980’s".
in 1980’s
and
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "1990s".
1990’s
can handle the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
well when compared to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "60s".
60’s
and
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "70s".
70’s
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the younger ones
are trained
on computing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and universities.

There are
It seems that an article is missing.
couple of
downsides to this strategy, due to the excess
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
being spent
on computers and less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
interacting with others, kids might feel isolated and less confident. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
instances where the children spend most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on mobile devices
rather
than on a playground.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
of which the obesity has become a major issue at the minor age.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
studies proved that the average weight of the youth is increasing in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
due to physical inactivity. One of the main reasons is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
addiction.

To conclude
, in my opinion, computers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be part of the academia
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have become intricate part of human life. Avoiding or delaying is not going to serve any purpose and
of course
, the side effects should
be taken
in to account while designing the curriculum.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
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IELTS essay Computers are becoming an essential part of school lessons. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your own opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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